Tag: women

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

Patiently working

There used to be an advertisement on television that said “Wait is a four letter word.” It was funny and indicated the fact that we don’t like to wait for anything we want. Just look at all of the ways we can order products and food and even home repairs these days. Things happen more rapidly than ever.

In the case of relationships you may be single and waiting to meet that special person. It may seem as if it is taking forever to get to happiness(I hope). Things seem to take longer when you are not busy and only focusing on waiting. So I suggest while you are waiting don’t patiently wait, patiently work towards your own self development and on creating a environment and self more suited to your liking.

Are we defined by the people we are in a relationship with? The answer to that is different for each person. When people speak of us do they speak of us as an accessory to our mate or are we our own person? When we get into a relationship do we cease to be an individual? Are we now just a soup of two people? That may be romantic to some of us.

I will not answer any of those musings but I will suggest that we keep moving forward and in that process meet the traveler that is on a congruent path.

 

Featured Image by: Skeeze https://pixabay.com/photos/construction-worker-building-job-642631/

Sabotage Pt. 2

I have written previous blog posts about friends who are threatened by your happiness and accomplishments, even their imagination of your happiness offends them secretly. The friends that try to engage you in situations where you will be embarrassed, degraded, devastated, drunk, fired, divorced, imprisoned, physically harmed, and in worst case killed.

In a blog post titled Sabotage I retold a story where a jealous friend gave a woman bad advice, telling her to engage deeper into a relationship with a musician that lived overseas. You can read the post here: https://goodguyfinder.com/2019/07/29/sabotage/ but it is not necessary to read it to understand this post.

Gossip ultimately is a terrible thing as it is a snippet of a much greater issue. Since we are not naming names, and hopefully I am using this as a example of how to protect yourself, I don’t wish this to be misunderstood as gossip. I will call it, current events.

So the current event is the younger lady she advised to go all-in with the musician is now pregnant with the musician’s child. While a new life is a blessing to the world, for a child to have the best chance the father should be present. Unfortunately in this situation the musician has advised the young woman that he will not be relocating as he has other children to care for in his homeland, but he will visit when he can. You can use your imagination from there as to how the months and years ahead will play out.

This to me is partially sad, as the woman is probably disappointed, while simultaneously realizing how silly she was to expect a musician who sings and performs hyper-sexualized music to be domesticated by her. Understandably she believed herself to be the exception, like we all believe ourselves to be, but that has to be followed by exceptional decisions for our selves.

Though I wrote the Sabotage post about five months ago, and expected things to go badly, I did not expect it to go this bad. I expected him to use her for sex, a visa, and money as she is a high paid professional. I did not however expect a child to have to suffer from her naive decisions or the maleficent advice of a jealous woman. I am confident that there were other women giving her bad advise regarding the relationship for their selfish entertainment.

The jealous people now pretend to feel sorrow for her but are actually reveling in the devastation because they themselves are miserable. Now that someone else’s life is miserable they don’t feel lower or threatened by the still  accomplished, but once perceived happy person. They achieved their goal of sabotaging her life, and if she manages to overcome and smile again, they will again be envious and seek to tear her down.

All the signals were here, there and everywhere she chose not to heed them, she sought out the advise of those who also saw the signals but enjoyed the ratchet reality show that was developing.

In conclusion beware of people encouraging you to act against logic. Beware of people who themselves engage in reckless behavior. They are acting based on emotions and if you hold yourself to be exceptional you should not make decisions that are not based on facts and stats.

 

Featured image: Ben Mortimer https://www.flickr.com/photos/mort183/

Fortune favors the phone

I have been busy researching how to develop a hair product for about two months. So my inspiration to write has been hindered somewhat. You don’t get many apiffanies regarding relationships but reading PubMed, Heathline, WebMD and Wikipedia. Sometimes inspiration finds you though.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw a post from Financial Times. The British financial newspaper had posted a chart depicting the ways in which heterosexual couples meet over the past twenty years or so.

The chart showed that the majority of couples meet online primarily and at bars secondarily. If you have read my previous posts, I believe those to be the two worst places. Well actually I believe online and dance clubs are the worst but if you dance in a bar then that’s a club to me.

Online dating and clubs eliminate the benefits provided in the declining meeting situations. The ones on decline are: Church, Neighborhood, Family, Friends, College and Workplace. Those places and institutions allow your potential mate to be vetted by people who genuinely care for you.

Meeting a stranger at a bar or online alone is a risky business. It goes without saying how many Law and Order episodes probably start like that. A social order not only vettes your love interest but also ensures that you are not acting wreckless or silly or making a fool of yourself. As we can get caught up in the excitement and put away our common sense.

Apps and bars total to approximately 70% of how couples meet according to the chart in 2017. Also Pew Research Center, men 25-34yo who never marry is at 52% as of 2010 and climbing. The Pew report is seven years older than the Financial Times report. I would posit the prime age men who never marry is closer to 60% presently. The two numbers I just mentioned if anything says, whatever the majority of people are doing, is probably not the best thing to do.

We all would like an easy and happy life but life isn’t always happy or easy. We would like to be left alone to be free to make our own choices but we need people to save us when we are in trouble. In my opinion the best strategy is to learn from others’ mistakes. Save ourselves a lot of time and losses. Use the network of family, the right friends(not all are good) and the right environment to create the conditions for a safe and sustainable relationship.

Special interest

I picked up a Cosmopolitan magazine that was laying around and read through about four articles. In between the articles were advertisements targeted to mostly young women I would assume in their teens to late twenties. Some articles referred to older women as “OGs” and young readers as “Newbies.” As this was my first time intently reading the magazine I was surprised at the amount of profanity used by the writers.

OK, I’m old. Maybe also lame. Maybe prudish but when I read something other than Fader, Vibe, Source or High Times magazine I don’t expect to read so much profanity. Terms such as OG I understand are taken from gangster culture in order to make reading seem cooler or at least as cool as the raunchy content on social media. All the profanity and acronyms show an attempt by the editors to gain the young crowd. Which understandably is where the money is, as the youth make up a large market.

Back to the ads and articles. I read a little big of Iggy Azaleas article, as I did enjoy her music and found it unjust how people treated her. Her article indicated that she wasn’t able to deal with the pressure of her fame and needed time to learn how to handle life(Justin Beiber recently said the same). She then went on to say she hopes to be with her current rapper boyfriend ten years from now and have some children, but marriage is not required. From a economic standpoint marriage is not in her favor(see Wendy Williams, Hallie Berry, Aisha Taylor). At her current net worth of only approximately 6 million, she doesn’t have much money to spare for an international celebrity. Her bf(7 years her junior) lyrics include the typical Cosmopolitan profanity with added, b*tch, thot, n-word, celebration of drug use and murder. Its art alright, right? So I don’t expect that 10 years of longevity. Hopefully the young ladies reading don’t believe they will have a happy Will & Jada happy(recently revealed not so happy) ending. Then again Will Smith prided himself on being the rapper who never used profanity, might explain the longevity of his marriage, go figure.

I went off track on Iggy as I like her material. So the articles were about legitimizing hookup culture, different sexual exploration and the ads were cosmetics and birth control. All those things go hand in hand. You get into a unsustainable relationship with a drug using bad boy, you get on birth control(as he will not take precaution), have eccentric sex, break up now you need makeup for your next date, that doesn’t work out so you have to buy another Cosmo for further instruction.

Ultimately Cosmo is out to help Cosmo and its advertisers generate more money. Buy more pills and makeup and Cosmo until you are so jaded and reach the age where you start to use empirical date from bad experiences.

If Cosmo’s intent was to help, they would give warnings that hookup culture will ultimately give you more depression because it is not sustainable. As progressive, liberated, empowered and tough you may believe you are, there is a point where you will interpret the hook-up situationship as exploiting on your side. There will be misunderstanding and without a structure or guidelines there is nothing to keep the situationship together. If there was then that would be a relationship.

I understand that we are in the information age and the on-demand age, etc. I get it, but we are still 75% water, carbon based creatures with some would say a spiritual being, and definitely a ego. Your ego if it is big enough to have sustained you to an autonomous adulthood will not allow you to stay in a situationship for long. I would say long is past 2 years. I am willing to retract that if I knew otherwise. I don’t believe there is enough data to dispute my claim as pride prevents people from sharing this info. We generally have a feeling hookup culture and situationships are on the rise but give me the numbers on a graph.

Cosmo is a corporation and a corporation’s number one responsibility is to make profit for their shareholders. The company is not a charity or a non profit. If profits can be generated from increasing entropy, from increasing loneliness, anxiety, depression, fear, then they will capitalize upon it. I repeatedly discuss friends who are bad influences. People who are bad influences, and from recent news we find that legally corporations are people. So we have to be mindful of the human people and the legal people we associate with.

Getting noticed

I really do not like double standards. I respect and appreciate equality. We are not all plying by the same rules, so  I may be egalitarian while persons I must interact with may not. This is a fact to consider when trying to get noticed by someone you are interested in. As there are different social expectations on how men and women are to behave.

Intuitively we find ways of accomplishing getting noticed using subtle indicators. The methods are almost pre-programmed like a nature show mating ritual. Whether it may be taking more pride in your appearance, making yourself more visible, more audible, fragrances, etc. Petting or touching is a precarious area especially in the workplace, that is a topic for much more legal and social consideration. So touching should probably be saved for after the person has agreed to

Ideally a man or woman should be able to respectfully express their interest directly but for women that could be an opportunity for a double standard upholding person to criticize. As we can not allow the limitations placed on us by the peanut gallery to limit us from living. Their opinion should be recognized, but carry no weight. Unfortunately the person you are pursuing’s opinion does matter. They may also uphold traditional social constructs. While I prefer to rely on the wisdom of tradition we in a new time where women have almost equal representation under the law and a little more than previous centuries in the social order. To be blunt, your expression of interest my invoke immediate sexual arousal. That potentially puts in jeopardy a thorough and organic development of a friendship/relationship… You never want to lead with sex-if your goal is a long term sustainable relationship.

I will give one example that shook me a few years back when a female friend called me to talk about her recent breakup. Without much detail, they dated shortly and then the guy told her it wasn’t going to work out, but he stated they can continue to have sex. She was not only rightfully offended, but also hurt as this had been her experience on more than one occasion. Her goal was a long term and sustainable relationship. The elements that worked against her included that she met him on an app, she didn’t take the time to fully evaluate whether they had shared interests, didn’t meet his family, his friends and was in a hurry to get married for social clout. As she was in a hurry this gave him the opportunity without much effort to exploit her for sex. He ultimately failed as she wouldn’t entertain his proposal. She did nothing wrong, but should have taken more time to investigate a person’s compatibility and sustainability. In a previous post, I not very scientifically said sex only takes up 0.001% of our lives so we cannot build long term and sustainable relationships on that.

Getting back to getting noticed, this relates as your intentions, your goals, your interpretation of your courting can be misunderstood. We live in an open, hyper sexualized environment, and I don’t need to go into the statistics of pornography consumption which people do in private. Approaching someone for coffee or lunch or a walk in the park can be misunderstood. A perfect example is the story of Aziz Ansari. A young lady expressed an interest in him, and he immediately expected sex. As a result there was grave miscommunication which resulted in her feeling assaulted and him effectively going into hiding for two approximately two years. She exercised her equal ability to express interest but the interest was transformed in Aziz’s mind into a sexual invitation.

What is the solution to this misunderstanding and miscommunication? How can you prevent the person you are interested in from getting away or picked up by another? The solution is to move as slowly as possible. Study them as much as possible. Do not lead with sexuality(if you want long term sustainability).

I really really hate double standards but, they exist and they have a great effect on us even if we do not practice them. If you miss the opportunity with this great person, you might regret it, but what If this person is actually a monster that you didn’t properly and slowly analyze. To find out that they are a monster after you have given up your resources to them is worse that letting them pass and avoiding one more hurt.

 

Obsession

Aaaaahhhh. O.M.G….

It’s hard to control your own mind a lot of the time. Or you can say feelings. Or you can say gut or heart. Everything is in the mind ultimately so I will just say mind.

How do you know when you are behaving in an obsessed manner? You might feel so strongly that you never take the time to notice. I would say the following are indicators:

  • Compromising your morals or beliefs
  • Begging
  • Insomnia
  • Neglecting important responsibilities
  • Not listening or respecting the other person’s requests to be left alone
  • Spying and/or stalking
  • Excessive communication(calls, text, social media)
  • Thoughts of violence and/or self harm
  • Destruction of property, vandalism and/or violence

I would guess most of us have(I have) exhibited the first four of the above. I also have been somewhat of a stalker and self-harmer. Looking back I have to say I could have used my free time more effectively.

If someone will not be with you, that should be respected. I can relate with any of the above honestly. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. If you were being pursued by a person you didn’t have an interest in, you would be very uncomfortable. It is a daily battler to deal with addiction, similarly overcoming obsession with a person is a daily battle but it gets easier as time progresses.

What ultimately saved me from evolving to a violent, 1000 text per minute, window-jump-througher was my empathy and my ego. I put myself in that person’s shoes and realized if I cared for them I would make them happy by leaving them alone. I also said to myself, how embarrassing is it, reducing myself to a worshipper of another person. While those two affirmations enabled me to end contact, stalking and self-harm there was still the habit of the cycling thoughts. Each of us has to find a way to control those cycling thoughts and I will admit as of today I am not fully “cured” but I am 75% better than I was then. I got rid of anything associated with that person. I keep myself occupied with creative activities, edifying films and articles, work, crafts, conversations with family and friends.

Don’t waste your time, energy and wonderfulness trying to pursue someone who you are ultimately making uncomfortable. Direct that energy towards yourself and developing yourself into a person you will be proud of when you look back years later.

Life time

Life time. Is there any other time?

I’m not trying to be poetic. It just came to me that the only time that matters is when you are alive. Yes, we care about leaving a better world for the future generations, but that requires you to use your current time to prepare the future for yourself and others.

There is a point where you start totally devoting your time to other’s interest and when you reach that point, you have to analyze what is that cost to your “Life time?”

Time is usually associated with money, but that’s too basic. Time should be properly put in the category of currency. Money is currency, but currency isn’t only money. You use your time, spend your time, invest your time, waste your time, give your time and so on. All are words usually associated with currency or something of value.

At times we feel obligated to donate our time to someone. If you are rich with time, meaning you have eternal youth and are immortal, then you can donate an unlimited amount of time. In real life, we only have about 70 something years, the beginning of which we are just learning how to use our time well, the middle pert we are supposed to be baking the best of our time, and the end part we are running out of time. Add the factor that we could die at anytime and everything becomes more urgent.

Every moment should be a gain. Time is an investment. Investments produce returns, and hopefully profits. This doesn’t mean you should exploit people or be a scrooge. It means every moment should have an intended long term or short term goal that will result in a return, whether physically, mentally, spiritually and anything positive.

You don’t owe anyone your time. They didn’t make a deposit in the time bank from which you took out a loan. You are on a limited time budget. Excuse yourself from a time wasting situation and invest your time into a fruitful one.

Escape from NY, LA, Miami, Austin…

There was a movie in the 90s, I think it was called Escape from New York which was the sequel to Escape from LA. Or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow, it was a post-apocalyptic film where everything is burning, perpetual night, and scarce resources.

Previously I spoke about the perils of dating applications. The sheer large number of humanity on those platforms, diminishes individual peoples value in others eyes. If we could see the people of our gender competing with us on the app, we might devalue ourselves also. What typically takes palace is in effect speed dating and the safety of the internet brings out the weirdest kind of people.

Similarly, big cities are huge outdoor dating apps. Millions of competitors vying for attention and other scare resources. Many want to be civilized but the lawless reign supreme as they follow no rules or ethos. We walk past and sometimes step over homeless human beings because we see them every day. We eventually resolve that we are busy in our city life and or this person is just trying to hustle to feed their habit. Total emotional disassociation. Is that a place we want to find a nurturing mate?

Living in a big city is not helpful for a lasting relationship. They are the worst. Too much competition. Rural and suburban areas are more family oriented and communal. Of course there are exceptions and we can tell by listening to country music, that rural life is not perfect, but there is a grand canyon between instability in rural areas and massive instability in the urban area.

Nothing is absolute, but if you think about it life in the city is crazy. The sooner you can escape, the better.

Is he using you for sex?

If you have to ask the above question you should assume that he is.

This is not to cause you to get angry and lash out emotionally. as your emotions are clouding your judgment to begin with. The correct response is to make him wait before having sex or if you have already had sex now you must evaluate what you seek from the relationship.

Physical programming causes most of us to want to have sex. It only lasts for a few minutes or seconds, but can create a mountain of problems.

Do not confuse great pleasure for love and do not expect to have the same response reciprocated.

If you have not yet had sex you are in the best position. Though it may seem archaic, and victiran to make him wait, it is for your own good. These old traditions were not put in place willy-nilly. So stay away from his willy. Spend quality time doing all the things you would do if there was no sexual energy. If he is easily irritable or ghosts you before reaching 4 months of dating and waiting, then his motivation was primarily physical programming or James Bond culture.

On the other hand if you just want to hook up, you have just wasted your time reading this. Just don’t expect to develop something greater. It is not impossible but he is more likely to maintain a relationship with you for the constant supply of sex and not for many other things. If you are just hooking up make yourself clear from the beginning. You should definitely know the person’s health status and exercise contraception via condoms and birth control in an extended understanding. you should also not keep your association with this person a secret totally as you want to know that you are safe and if anything happens to you, they can be found.

If you have had sex it puts you in a difficult place to now negotiate terms. Don’t feel bad its part of nature’s programming. watch a nature show for once. It will be difficult but not impossible. the first thing is to not delude yourself while not being cynical. Ask him what do you see in your future, does he see you being together for one, two, three, years, or forever? If the response is, I don’t know, or, lets see how it goes, or were just having fun, or were just getting…. Thats an indicator that there is no plan for longevity.  You can test him by saying it happened too fast and you want to wait, and not have sex again for months.  You also have a choice to end it there, right now. you may be waiting for a long term relationship that may never happen and you have just sex, food and events. How much time do you have to spend is what you should ask yourself. Do you want the same things is also an important question.

If you go back to my post on dating apps you will see that the world has changed. everything is on-demand. If you choose not to participate in the indiscipline of our current times then you yourself must be disciplined and read the signs that are clear without getting clouded by emotion or desire. Life can be hard but if you make the hard decisions for your benefit, it works out in your favor.