Tag: spouse

Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/77wKN

Change is gonna crumble

I can not say that I exercise proper writing technique. Especially in the area of filling a post with filler in order to delay the reader and increase my word count. Writers for actual commercial publications get compensated on the amount of words they can cram into an article. Fortunately for us all, WordPress is a free platform and unfortunately for me I am not being paid to write anything.

Now that that introductory paragraph has delayed you and made me appear as if I am building suspense here is the point I am going to present. Do not enter into a dating or serious relationship or marriage with the hope or intent that the person will change. Some people may make mild adjustments but not major changes. The rare event where people make major changes only occurs when a traumatic or tragic or humbling or embarrassing or horrifying event befalls them. Many people will remain the same even after a horrible event. So the event of you and the person becoming an item will not change them significantly. You have a choice to either accept them as they are or not to get involved with them at all.

Trying to change someone at a later date is deceptive on your part because you did not accept them as you found them. Your change or modification of expectations will come as shock to them and result in push-back or they will repress themselves for a time and eventually explode.

It is better to at the earliest stage determine whether you can accept the person as-is, just like a used car. With no warranties implied. People are not similar to our gadgets that we can change or upgrade. By the time a person is 13 years old they are pretty much on a trajectory they will barely veer from. So when you meet them in thier 20s or later your efforts to change them will result in dissapoitment.

Worrier stop worrying

Now, you may be worrying a lot about what your man is doing when not in your presence. If you have a mate with tattoos, dances well and is highly intelligent then unfortunately nothing I say here will ever give you peace of mind.

There are a lot of advantages to not being in love with or not being crazy about your mate. For example take a cliche gold-digger who in all appearances fawns over her man. She is always disconnected emotionally and that is how she always reaches her goals of extracting his resources. For the everyday woman not particularly seeking to exploit her mate’s financial resources but seeking a lifelong companion, it may be useful to be somewhat disconnected. Not cold but not in a position to be emotionally crushed/weakened by disappointment.

This serves multiple purposes. It allows you to remain goal oriented(if that’s your thing), protected from emotional breakdown, focused and relaxed. Most importantly it makes you always desirable as you are always just out of reach. Most men do not have emotional intelligence and will barely notice. As long as your detachment is not accompanied by harsh criticism, complaining and verbal abuse your man will believe your in the most perfect of relationships.

In conclusion it’s best to barely like they guy and not be gaa-gaa crazy over him. Being crazy about him will make you weak and unfocused.