Tag: selflove

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

Featured image: https://flic.kr/p/mNiJ32

Be somebody, be yourself.

It almost goes without saying. You can’t be reborn so your stuck. We just have to be ourselves. Still we can read many report on how people get depressed while browsing social media. At its core is their FOMO and false belief that the people they viewing are actually happier than they are in actuality.

If you think about it, people smile for pictures. When you get fired or dumped you don’t take a selfie of yourself crying. So we don’t get a complete view of a person’s life. We only get to see the part that they present to us. So to envy them is to envy that short second where they forced a smile for the picture, maybe only in hopes that people will like it to make them feel a little better.

Additionally many people believe that being in a relationship is a panacea. All their problems will be solved and they will be happy if they just meet that right person. Those who have recently found religion or converted or gotten “saved” are eventually taught that their new found system of belief requires work and at times more sacrifices than their previous life.

A relationship is work.

I gave that statement its own paragraph so that it would stand out. As its hard to believe this based on the endings of every ROMCOM, holiday cards, facebook, instagram and linked in post. A relationship or marriage is a commitment to work and stay in the organization irrespective of changing conditions. That means no escaping, only working.

I read many posts online on social media of women who strongly desire to be married. They are so focused on this goal that they do not take the time to develop themselves. The example I could give is imagine a younger Oprah who spent her time browsing social media, complaining how terrible men are, simultaneously being love sick and possibly having a on-off relationship with some guy who is really no good for her. So this theoretical younger Oprah never takes he time to look into herself and develop her talents and passions, never reaches the point of a millionaire, a philanthropist, and inspiration, a billionaire.

You don’d have to be in a relationship to be somebody. You are already someone very special, very important and full of unlimited potential. waiting on someone to give you legitimacy is a very dangerous approach. You maybe waiting until never or you could be easily deceived. Be yourself and be the best you that you can be, you deserve the best. Be you.

 

Featured image by: Wikipedia, Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson

Homeostasis

I like the word sustainable and this other word homeostasis popped up in my consciousness recently. You already know homeostasis is synonymous with balance and it’s word associated with health, at least in my wacky vocabulary.

More often than not we are moving from crisis to crisis. One drama or problem after another. Another unexpected bill or expense another thing that disturbs us from our state of rest(if we can get it). Never a moment where everything is in its proper place and calm. This just raises our stress levels and causes us in effect to become ill. It also causes us to loose discipline as we try to treat our stress with self medication, that may turn into abuse, whether food, drugs or other.

I believe minimalism to be a great way to eliminate a good chunk of the many variables that come our way. Minimalism is mostly referred to as a way of saving money but that is only one of the many benefits. It also lowers the amount of worry and stress. The more stuff you have to deal with the less rested you are.

The human body, in relation to digestion for example is minimalist in my opinion. When we eat, the body extracts the nutrients and eliminates the excess. If we are constantly accumulating stuff and bills and stresses and disturbances it is in effect a body that is eating but not eliminating waste. We hoard things that we may never use, people that are useless(or harmful) and stuff we may not want. Its constipation.

Accept it or not, we are heavily influenced by our environment, social circles. Remember watching Saturday morning cartoons and the toys that used to be advertised. That is how you knew what toys you wanted for Christmas. The desire for the stuff was implanted into your head. Likewise your friends may tell you about this new stuff or exercise or diet they are on. This is a thought implanted into you to now investigate if not try whatever you discussed. Recently I watched a documentary called Drugs Inc, where in one episode a musician who himself was a MDMA user said that many of his fans revealed to him that they became MDMA users because the musician mentioned it in his songs. So that was an example of how those fans increased the disorder in their lives by bringing in more stuff. Stuff that they acquired because they were influenced.

I wrote a post yesterday about Miley Cyrus who in her music also referred to Molly which is a colloquial for MDMA. Being a celebrity means dealing with a lot of stuff, people, money, appointments, contracts, obligations etc. So its understandable how they could happen to self medicate to the point of abuse. Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin, Jim Belushi, Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, etc. Nothing is absolute as in the same documentary I mentioned there were homeless people who had nothing in terms of material possession that were self medicating, but their situation may have devolved from a state where they had much and lost it due to choosing the wrong cooping mechanism namely drugs. I don’t specifically want to discuss psychotropic drugs but I do want to mention that they can cause mental illness. There are many other things we use to cope but ultimately it involves consumption or practice(for lack of a better word).

Excess is abusive to the self because it causes illness as mentioned above. Minimalism can help us to put bigger spaces between the crises, have all our bills in order, reduce our impulse to self medicate. How does this relate to dating and relationships. Well the longest relationship you will have is with yourself, so understandably you want to treat yourself well. Eliminating the excess is a path to wellness.

Say no more

Say no more, or say more nos. Here again we have the crazy English language. No more is better replaced by anymore in my poor grammatical opinion. What I am getting at is saying no more times than you have in the past. No, is a very powerful word. It signifies, resistance, strength, defiance, displeasure, decisiveness and a bunch of other strong words. While yes conveys compliance, sometimes even weakness. Silence might be actually worse than yes in some cases, at least with yes you are speaking up.

Everyone wants something from us in life. Attention mostly, then resources secondarily, but they are almost the same thing. We feel obligated, trapped, damned even.

It’s socially hard to say no, because people really don’t like it, but what about what you like? Are they considering your interest. Let the nos fly high and numerous, give the nos out like candy on haloween. Don’t save your nos for yourself. When you do something reluctantly but say yes or be silent you are saying no to yourself. You will more likely regret for a long time that you went along unwillingly. Especially if something unfortunate takes place. Trust your gut, trust your wisdom, trust all the psycho movies on TV. Tell them no. Nos are free. You don’t owe an explanation. Who is going to save you? The person reading this, that’s who.

Invasion of your space, time and resources must not be tolerated. Absolutely not tolerated. Now lets practice exghaling -nooooooo. Breathe in hmmmmm, breathe out nooooooooo. Very easy. Practice it. No. No. No. No. No. Naa. Neh. Eh eh. Nine. Naw. Eh uh. Whatever style you prefer. Noooooooooo.