Tag: relationships

Special interest

I picked up a Cosmopolitan magazine that was laying around and read through about four articles. In between the articles were advertisements targeted to mostly young women I would assume in their teens to late twenties. Some articles referred to older women as “OGs” and young readers as “Newbies.” As this was my first time intently reading the magazine I was surprised at the amount of profanity used by the writers.

OK, I’m old. Maybe also lame. Maybe prudish but when I read something other than Fader, Vibe, Source or High Times magazine I don’t expect to read so much profanity. Terms such as OG I understand are taken from gangster culture in order to make reading seem cooler or at least as cool as the raunchy content on social media. All the profanity and acronyms show an attempt by the editors to gain the young crowd. Which understandably is where the money is, as the youth make up a large market.

Back to the ads and articles. I read a little big of Iggy Azaleas article, as I did enjoy her music and found it unjust how people treated her. Her article indicated that she wasn’t able to deal with the pressure of her fame and needed time to learn how to handle life(Justin Beiber recently said the same). She then went on to say she hopes to be with her current rapper boyfriend ten years from now and have some children, but marriage is not required. From a economic standpoint marriage is not in her favor(see Wendy Williams, Hallie Berry, Aisha Taylor). At her current net worth of only approximately 6 million, she doesn’t have much money to spare for an international celebrity. Her bf(7 years her junior) lyrics include the typical Cosmopolitan profanity with added, b*tch, thot, n-word, celebration of drug use and murder. Its art alright, right? So I don’t expect that 10 years of longevity. Hopefully the young ladies reading don’t believe they will have a happy Will & Jada happy(recently revealed not so happy) ending. Then again Will Smith prided himself on being the rapper who never used profanity, might explain the longevity of his marriage, go figure.

I went off track on Iggy as I like her material. So the articles were about legitimizing hookup culture, different sexual exploration and the ads were cosmetics and birth control. All those things go hand in hand. You get into a unsustainable relationship with a drug using bad boy, you get on birth control(as he will not take precaution), have eccentric sex, break up now you need makeup for your next date, that doesn’t work out so you have to buy another Cosmo for further instruction.

Ultimately Cosmo is out to help Cosmo and its advertisers generate more money. Buy more pills and makeup and Cosmo until you are so jaded and reach the age where you start to use empirical date from bad experiences.

If Cosmo’s intent was to help, they would give warnings that hookup culture will ultimately give you more depression because it is not sustainable. As progressive, liberated, empowered and tough you may believe you are, there is a point where you will interpret the hook-up situationship as exploiting on your side. There will be misunderstanding and without a structure or guidelines there is nothing to keep the situationship together. If there was then that would be a relationship.

I understand that we are in the information age and the on-demand age, etc. I get it, but we are still 75% water, carbon based creatures with some would say a spiritual being, and definitely a ego. Your ego if it is big enough to have sustained you to an autonomous adulthood will not allow you to stay in a situationship for long. I would say long is past 2 years. I am willing to retract that if I knew otherwise. I don’t believe there is enough data to dispute my claim as pride prevents people from sharing this info. We generally have a feeling hookup culture and situationships are on the rise but give me the numbers on a graph.

Cosmo is a corporation and a corporation’s number one responsibility is to make profit for their shareholders. The company is not a charity or a non profit. If profits can be generated from increasing entropy, from increasing loneliness, anxiety, depression, fear, then they will capitalize upon it. I repeatedly discuss friends who are bad influences. People who are bad influences, and from recent news we find that legally corporations are people. So we have to be mindful of the human people and the legal people we associate with.

Sick doctor

We most of the time, with sufficient consideration know what is the best thing to do. Somehow we find a way to end up not doing the best thing. It may be that we enjoy things that cause dysfunction or we are not observant of the relation between cause and effect. Maybe we feel dispair and don’t want to execute the solution.

Most things are easier said than done. Some people say talk is cheap. Talk is cheap but it might be more valuable than thoughts that are never vocalised or recorded. Speaking thoughts or writing them gives them a physical presence. For instance this blog. I could have kept my thoughts to myself, and that would probably be best for the world but for me it is therapy. When I read my old posts, I find things I had forgotten which I wanted at the time to remember. My past self is essentially teaching my present self. If I never wrote these thoughts down, I could have spoken them to someone and they may remember, or not, then the apiffany would be lost.

I’m getting off topic. Basically theory is easier than practice. We know what we must do but end up not doing what is necessary. You might encounter a doctor who smokes cigarettes or has a poor diet. They are on the front line of the causes, symptoms and results of poor choices. They have the most knowledge but in practice do not follow the theory.

How awesome and proud would we be if we resisted temptation, explored opportunity, developed our skills, mind, body, spirit and environment? All it requires is a first step and a focus on the person you dream yourself to be.

Nothing is absolute. There will be things to attempt to distract, dissuade and disappoint you but if we as much as possible live up to the standard we set for ourselves we will average on the up side in the limited time we have on this plane.

Not a doctor or a magician

In the old Star Trek movies methinks from the 1970s, there was a doctor on the ship. When he was overwhelmed he would bark at the captain “I’m a doctor not a magician!” I think he meant that he was trained in medicine, not in giving people a superficial or illusion of a solution. Medicine requires a thorough assessment of a variety of variables. Many afflictions exhibit the symptoms of others and misdiagnosis could have no effect or even worsen the patients condition. A magician is also a highly trained profession but they are trying too fool your senses into believing something. That’s not a cure, its not even a ban aid. So a magician in effect uses a placebo placebo  for every case.

Anyhow, we are not magiacians or doctors. Maybe you are actually, but imagine you are not then, humor me. So now we all aren’t doctors or magicians yay.

You can’t fix anyone, unless they want to be and since you are not a trained psychologist, your fixing may not be sustainable. I like that word sustainable, very holistic. Therefore you are wasting your resources(time) if you believe you can change an adult who has been enjoying being who they are. Additionally your attempt to point out their flaws can be received by their ego as an attack. Feeling attacked they may retaliate and/or dig deeper into the behavior you tried to help them correct. Unless they themselves see the error and sincerely want to change your efforts are futile(another star trek reference.)

This is not giving up on the person, and don’t let them guilt trip you into feeling badly. They must be allowed to come to the realization themselves, as they rebuffed your attempt to point it out or you may not have the know how. Although it is difficult, you have to save yourself or they might take you down with them. People love to see a train wreck and the proof is in the prevalence of trashy reality shows, celebrity news and social media. If they are a wreck, your stability, freedom, discipline even health may be offensive to them and they would enjoy seeing you brought low.

A better title would be “Don’t be a martyr” but I feel I may have used that title elsewhere. Yeah we remember some of the high profile martyrs, Joan of Arc, Jesus, MLK, Che, etc. Their deaths changed things for millions of people. Are you going to martyr yourself for one person who does not recognize that they need to, or do they want to be saved? Your close friends and family might remember what you sacrificed for that person, but is it worth the los of you resource(time) that will never return. You may have strong feelings for them, but how long will those feeling s last under unsustainable conditions. Be a hero to yourself, be a doctor to yourself, don’t be a magician to yourself. Definitely don’t be a martyr for someone who isn’t worth it.

Getting noticed

I really do not like double standards. I respect and appreciate equality. We are not all plying by the same rules, so  I may be egalitarian while persons I must interact with may not. This is a fact to consider when trying to get noticed by someone you are interested in. As there are different social expectations on how men and women are to behave.

Intuitively we find ways of accomplishing getting noticed using subtle indicators. The methods are almost pre-programmed like a nature show mating ritual. Whether it may be taking more pride in your appearance, making yourself more visible, more audible, fragrances, etc. Petting or touching is a precarious area especially in the workplace, that is a topic for much more legal and social consideration. So touching should probably be saved for after the person has agreed to

Ideally a man or woman should be able to respectfully express their interest directly but for women that could be an opportunity for a double standard upholding person to criticize. As we can not allow the limitations placed on us by the peanut gallery to limit us from living. Their opinion should be recognized, but carry no weight. Unfortunately the person you are pursuing’s opinion does matter. They may also uphold traditional social constructs. While I prefer to rely on the wisdom of tradition we in a new time where women have almost equal representation under the law and a little more than previous centuries in the social order. To be blunt, your expression of interest my invoke immediate sexual arousal. That potentially puts in jeopardy a thorough and organic development of a friendship/relationship… You never want to lead with sex-if your goal is a long term sustainable relationship.

I will give one example that shook me a few years back when a female friend called me to talk about her recent breakup. Without much detail, they dated shortly and then the guy told her it wasn’t going to work out, but he stated they can continue to have sex. She was not only rightfully offended, but also hurt as this had been her experience on more than one occasion. Her goal was a long term and sustainable relationship. The elements that worked against her included that she met him on an app, she didn’t take the time to fully evaluate whether they had shared interests, didn’t meet his family, his friends and was in a hurry to get married for social clout. As she was in a hurry this gave him the opportunity without much effort to exploit her for sex. He ultimately failed as she wouldn’t entertain his proposal. She did nothing wrong, but should have taken more time to investigate a person’s compatibility and sustainability. In a previous post, I not very scientifically said sex only takes up 0.001% of our lives so we cannot build long term and sustainable relationships on that.

Getting back to getting noticed, this relates as your intentions, your goals, your interpretation of your courting can be misunderstood. We live in an open, hyper sexualized environment, and I don’t need to go into the statistics of pornography consumption which people do in private. Approaching someone for coffee or lunch or a walk in the park can be misunderstood. A perfect example is the story of Aziz Ansari. A young lady expressed an interest in him, and he immediately expected sex. As a result there was grave miscommunication which resulted in her feeling assaulted and him effectively going into hiding for two approximately two years. She exercised her equal ability to express interest but the interest was transformed in Aziz’s mind into a sexual invitation.

What is the solution to this misunderstanding and miscommunication? How can you prevent the person you are interested in from getting away or picked up by another? The solution is to move as slowly as possible. Study them as much as possible. Do not lead with sexuality(if you want long term sustainability).

I really really hate double standards but, they exist and they have a great effect on us even if we do not practice them. If you miss the opportunity with this great person, you might regret it, but what If this person is actually a monster that you didn’t properly and slowly analyze. To find out that they are a monster after you have given up your resources to them is worse that letting them pass and avoiding one more hurt.

 

Obsession

Aaaaahhhh. O.M.G….

It’s hard to control your own mind a lot of the time. Or you can say feelings. Or you can say gut or heart. Everything is in the mind ultimately so I will just say mind.

How do you know when you are behaving in an obsessed manner? You might feel so strongly that you never take the time to notice. I would say the following are indicators:

  • Compromising your morals or beliefs
  • Begging
  • Insomnia
  • Neglecting important responsibilities
  • Not listening or respecting the other person’s requests to be left alone
  • Spying and/or stalking
  • Excessive communication(calls, text, social media)
  • Thoughts of violence and/or self harm
  • Destruction of property, vandalism and/or violence

I would guess most of us have(I have) exhibited the first four of the above. I also have been somewhat of a stalker and self-harmer. Looking back I have to say I could have used my free time more effectively.

If someone will not be with you, that should be respected. I can relate with any of the above honestly. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. If you were being pursued by a person you didn’t have an interest in, you would be very uncomfortable. It is a daily battler to deal with addiction, similarly overcoming obsession with a person is a daily battle but it gets easier as time progresses.

What ultimately saved me from evolving to a violent, 1000 text per minute, window-jump-througher was my empathy and my ego. I put myself in that person’s shoes and realized if I cared for them I would make them happy by leaving them alone. I also said to myself, how embarrassing is it, reducing myself to a worshipper of another person. While those two affirmations enabled me to end contact, stalking and self-harm there was still the habit of the cycling thoughts. Each of us has to find a way to control those cycling thoughts and I will admit as of today I am not fully “cured” but I am 75% better than I was then. I got rid of anything associated with that person. I keep myself occupied with creative activities, edifying films and articles, work, crafts, conversations with family and friends.

Don’t waste your time, energy and wonderfulness trying to pursue someone who you are ultimately making uncomfortable. Direct that energy towards yourself and developing yourself into a person you will be proud of when you look back years later.

Satisfaction not guaranteed

Only recently I have been purchasing strawberries that are USDA organic non-gmo. They are always tasty compared to the strawberries I ate when I was a child and GMO and Organic were not in my vocabulary. The strawberries I remembered as a youth had not sweetness and I wondered why everyone raved about strawberries. I had a similar experience with watermelons. Nowadays the farmers seem to have found their mojo. They are consistently producing sweet fruits. They have it down to a science. Still once in a while I will purchase a box of strawberries usually the non-organic ones, and they will have no taste just as the ones of my childhood.

I am not a health nut, nor a organic, non-GMO cult member but I would prefer not to eat the pesticides if you may be so kind.

Looking at a strawberry for me conveyed no great enthusiasm due to my varied past regarding their taste. Satisfaction was not directly related to a strawberry in my brain. Similarly, sex does not equal satisfaction for most women. This makes it strange that there is a prevalence of hook-up culture in popular media. Maybe my social circle is prudish(not) but I think the media blows this population way out of proportion.

I don’t want to digress but I have a big issue with the way media trivialized the free love and women’s liberation movement of the 1970s. It wasn’t just about not wearing a bra, using drugs, and marijuana and concerts and sex. The majority of people were living conventional square lifestyles or at least pretending to do so. Also the youth of the 1907s were seeking to have a purpose, seeking spiritual awakening, greater understanding, intellectual growth, international scope.

I guess the sub-culture population practicing free love and drug use were inspired by the stories they heard of the roaring 1920s. 1920s, 1970s, 2020s and we are preparing the next group in 2070s.

Back to the topic though-again I despise apps. The hookup culture has no sustainable benefit. Why get all sweaty, dehydrated and mess up your hair for something that is not guaranteed. A better investment in my opinion is to consider a person as a whole and take the time to investigate all they have to offer. Sex is important(very) but sex is maybe I’m guessing 0.0001% of our time alive(totally unscientific). The rest of your time is spent sleeping, at work, eating, on your phone, using the bathroom, I guess.

You cant start a relationship with a hookup. Real life is not the movies. Real life is not a snapshot of a subgroup in the 1920s or 1970s. Real life is a mush longer story. So since sexual satisfaction is not guaranteed and sex is only part of 0.0001% of life, you have to connect on the other levels.

Life time

Life time. Is there any other time?

I’m not trying to be poetic. It just came to me that the only time that matters is when you are alive. Yes, we care about leaving a better world for the future generations, but that requires you to use your current time to prepare the future for yourself and others.

There is a point where you start totally devoting your time to other’s interest and when you reach that point, you have to analyze what is that cost to your “Life time?”

Time is usually associated with money, but that’s too basic. Time should be properly put in the category of currency. Money is currency, but currency isn’t only money. You use your time, spend your time, invest your time, waste your time, give your time and so on. All are words usually associated with currency or something of value.

At times we feel obligated to donate our time to someone. If you are rich with time, meaning you have eternal youth and are immortal, then you can donate an unlimited amount of time. In real life, we only have about 70 something years, the beginning of which we are just learning how to use our time well, the middle pert we are supposed to be baking the best of our time, and the end part we are running out of time. Add the factor that we could die at anytime and everything becomes more urgent.

Every moment should be a gain. Time is an investment. Investments produce returns, and hopefully profits. This doesn’t mean you should exploit people or be a scrooge. It means every moment should have an intended long term or short term goal that will result in a return, whether physically, mentally, spiritually and anything positive.

You don’t owe anyone your time. They didn’t make a deposit in the time bank from which you took out a loan. You are on a limited time budget. Excuse yourself from a time wasting situation and invest your time into a fruitful one.

Escape from NY, LA, Miami, Austin…

There was a movie in the 90s, I think it was called Escape from New York which was the sequel to Escape from LA. Or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow, it was a post-apocalyptic film where everything is burning, perpetual night, and scarce resources.

Previously I spoke about the perils of dating applications. The sheer large number of humanity on those platforms, diminishes individual peoples value in others eyes. If we could see the people of our gender competing with us on the app, we might devalue ourselves also. What typically takes palace is in effect speed dating and the safety of the internet brings out the weirdest kind of people.

Similarly, big cities are huge outdoor dating apps. Millions of competitors vying for attention and other scare resources. Many want to be civilized but the lawless reign supreme as they follow no rules or ethos. We walk past and sometimes step over homeless human beings because we see them every day. We eventually resolve that we are busy in our city life and or this person is just trying to hustle to feed their habit. Total emotional disassociation. Is that a place we want to find a nurturing mate?

Living in a big city is not helpful for a lasting relationship. They are the worst. Too much competition. Rural and suburban areas are more family oriented and communal. Of course there are exceptions and we can tell by listening to country music, that rural life is not perfect, but there is a grand canyon between instability in rural areas and massive instability in the urban area.

Nothing is absolute, but if you think about it life in the city is crazy. The sooner you can escape, the better.

Eastern Promises

Divorce in the United States occurs at a rate of something like 44%. This is for a variety of reasons. As mentioned before in a previous post, relationships have to be reinforced by the community. As much as we consider ourselves as individuals and unique, we are products of our environment. Our environment in the US promotes in our media that we should have multiple partners before settling down and to utilize divorce if you are unhappy, or cheat if you want to find some compromise.

According to a 2015 Washington Post article, divorce among those in the Indian community is between 1% to 15%. Also according to a 1993 study by Pang Linlin the divorce rate in china is between 5% to 8%. This is because the culture of those countries in regards to relationships is to find one and make it work.

My first post on this site recommended that women find themselves a man that is not too intellectually capable. The above information throws that out the window when you go outside of the American pool of men. As is already evident via silicon valley Asian men(India and China) are more committed at rates of up to 11 times more than American men.

In conclusion, it would be wise to entertain more Asian men. Strangely a report produced by the dating site OKCipid showed that Asian men were on the undesirable end of the dating pool with Asian women. This is a mistake on the part of those women. This mistake can be capitalized upon by women all over the world who are subject to dealing with the promiscuity and infidelity of American, European and other Western cultured men.

In conclusion, and Asian man is a better partner in regards to commitment. Not discussed here they are also at the highest earners economically.

Change is gonna crumble

I can not say that I exercise proper writing technique. Especially in the area of filling a post with filler in order to delay the reader and increase my word count. Writers for actual commercial publications get compensated on the amount of words they can cram into an article. Fortunately for us all, WordPress is a free platform and unfortunately for me I am not being paid to write anything.

Now that that introductory paragraph has delayed you and made me appear as if I am building suspense here is the point I am going to present. Do not enter into a dating or serious relationship or marriage with the hope or intent that the person will change. Some people may make mild adjustments but not major changes. The rare event where people make major changes only occurs when a traumatic or tragic or humbling or embarrassing or horrifying event befalls them. Many people will remain the same even after a horrible event. So the event of you and the person becoming an item will not change them significantly. You have a choice to either accept them as they are or not to get involved with them at all.

Trying to change someone at a later date is deceptive on your part because you did not accept them as you found them. Your change or modification of expectations will come as shock to them and result in push-back or they will repress themselves for a time and eventually explode.

It is better to at the earliest stage determine whether you can accept the person as-is, just like a used car. With no warranties implied. People are not similar to our gadgets that we can change or upgrade. By the time a person is 13 years old they are pretty much on a trajectory they will barely veer from. So when you meet them in thier 20s or later your efforts to change them will result in dissapoitment.