Tag: relationships

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

You Are Special

As a child I felt myself to be a philosopher of sorts. I would say “I can see out of my eyes, and I cant see out of yours.” Mind blowing isn’t it? Maybe not.

If we can only see things from our own eyes it’s then impossible for another peson to fully understand us. Our true feelings, inner struggles, fears and self value.

Therefore as a result of our unique makeup and limited supply(there’s only one you) we are each special and exceptional. To a stranger we are just another one of the billions of humans they must quickly pre-judge on initial encounter. To a partner we are someone they have a collection of information on from which they can attempt to predict our thoughts and actions. A partner can not exist in our hearts and minds and this is why constant communication is necessary.

I am getting off topic. What I want to get to, is though it is a fact that we are all novel, our novelty does not make us exempt. Anything hat has happened to anyone can potenially happen to me.

We should not enjoy seeing others suffer or go throuh drama. We should take a lesson from thier experience and imagine ourselves in thier situation in order to avert a similar outcome. This is one of the issues that I have with reality TV and celebrity gossip. These areas of entertainment make the real life characters seem so far removed that we don’t inherently see them as humans. We don’t empathize. We don’t see how these tragedies could befall us and in some instances where they do happen to us we wonder “why me?” We are special but not exempt.

Think of a bad relationship situation, we woulld like to say it could never happen to us, but I feel it is helpful to review the time line leading up to the bad relationship in order to prevent it from happening o you.

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

Featured image: https://flic.kr/p/mNiJ32

Covid app trap

I don’t know exactly how to approach the phenomena of the Coronavirus as it relates to dating. We are social animals and all desire companionship in some form. As communication via digital platforms is never a replacement for real in person interaction.

During a crisis I suspect most of us seek an immediate relief and a return to better days. If none seems within sight we may seek momentary escape via distractions, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, creativity, etc. I hope we all choose constructive destructions and outlets for our frustrations.

Strangely couples that live together are experiencing record levels of stress leading to separation. While single people are experiencing loneliness leading to stress. Neither condition should be envied. Couples may have someone that will help or harm them. Singles may need help or may be self sufficient.

Its is important to mention that mental health and addiction issues have increased among the population during the epidemic and resulting lock down. This is a time where we need to heal and take care of ourselves as individuals. One thing that can be taken from the current situation is that personal health contributes to overall health of the community and ultimately the world. Tapping into our faith and network of constructive people is very important now and always.

I said all of that to say the following: Do not allow stress, fear, anxiety, boredom and despair to put you into a position where you are not analytical of the person you have a romantic interest in. Do not allow the situation to cause you to self harm or engage in destructive behavior or companionship.

We are in a time of high unemployment, low worker participation, mass scamming and identity/financial theft. The exposing of the curruption of prominent people has given encouragement to some to live lives of dishonesty. You have to determine who is genuine and worthy of your time.

As I have written previously, I despise dating apps. Due to the the lock downs the libraries, museums, colleges, offices, even churches are closed. The places where you are more likely to encounter disciplined, moral and useful people are closed. So I never condemn or demean anyone for using apps. I just believe they allow people to be more deceptive and they take away uniqueness and humanity. The current stresses may play into the hands of players.

If used in a precise manner apps can be useful but I suspect that we put too much trust in the apps and relax our critical analysis skills.

Strange times require us to adapt and overcome. I have to accept that 30% of married couples met online and apps are the future and seem to be the only resort during the lock downs aside from arranged meetings through family and friends. One thing we never discard is keeping ourselves as a priority and protecting ourselves. Our individual wellness and happiness is needed to be able to make humanity well.

Under the Influencers

I have not been writing much. Writing outside of academia is a thing based upon inspiration. I now understand why my uncle has been writing a book for 30 years and no one has yet read it. Couple that with the corona virus and the election and the protests, the mind gets a little jostled. I’ve been trying to write this singular post for four days. Now I think I know what the universe is trying to tell me.

I don’t belive in interpreting dreams but I believe they are our subconscious working like a program in the background of our computer. When we stop actively using the computer the resources get freed up and that background program can get more done.

So the other day I had a dream that I was working back at a retail position I had during college, but I was attending Harvard instead of my actual college in the dream. When I went to use the restroom at Harvard in the dream it was filthy and disgusting. I was shocked to see such a prestigious institution with such a unkempt facility.

In my life there are times when I have downplayed myself, and engaged in behaviors that were unbecoming of the person who I have the potential to become. Most times I did this to gain social approval or acceptance from friends and, acquaintances and even strangers. I definitely was taught better and was aware that there was a better way but at the time I was laser focused on the goal of acceptance.

Social media, movies, television, music, news, podcasts, vlogs, blogs, churches, educators, cults, friends, family etc. All these people have a goal or agenda. We have to choose wisely who we listen to and associate with. As we will overtly or subconsciously will modify our behavior to  gain their acceptance. These modifications in some instances may delay or utterly destroy us. So we owe it to ourselves to live up to the standard that will make us realize the dream of who we are destined to be.

Cut out the negativity, cut out the destruction, cut out the addiction, cut out the laziness. Cut out the people associated with indiscipline, ignorance and stagnation.

 

Featured image by: Jeff Kubina https://www.flickr.com/photos/kubina/152730867

Patiently working

There used to be an advertisement on television that said “Wait is a four letter word.” It was funny and indicated the fact that we don’t like to wait for anything we want. Just look at all of the ways we can order products and food and even home repairs these days. Things happen more rapidly than ever.

In the case of relationships you may be single and waiting to meet that special person. It may seem as if it is taking forever to get to happiness(I hope). Things seem to take longer when you are not busy and only focusing on waiting. So I suggest while you are waiting don’t patiently wait, patiently work towards your own self development and on creating a environment and self more suited to your liking.

Are we defined by the people we are in a relationship with? The answer to that is different for each person. When people speak of us do they speak of us as an accessory to our mate or are we our own person? When we get into a relationship do we cease to be an individual? Are we now just a soup of two people? That may be romantic to some of us.

I will not answer any of those musings but I will suggest that we keep moving forward and in that process meet the traveler that is on a congruent path.

 

Featured Image by: Skeeze https://pixabay.com/photos/construction-worker-building-job-642631/

Be somebody, be yourself.

It almost goes without saying. You can’t be reborn so your stuck. We just have to be ourselves. Still we can read many report on how people get depressed while browsing social media. At its core is their FOMO and false belief that the people they viewing are actually happier than they are in actuality.

If you think about it, people smile for pictures. When you get fired or dumped you don’t take a selfie of yourself crying. So we don’t get a complete view of a person’s life. We only get to see the part that they present to us. So to envy them is to envy that short second where they forced a smile for the picture, maybe only in hopes that people will like it to make them feel a little better.

Additionally many people believe that being in a relationship is a panacea. All their problems will be solved and they will be happy if they just meet that right person. Those who have recently found religion or converted or gotten “saved” are eventually taught that their new found system of belief requires work and at times more sacrifices than their previous life.

A relationship is work.

I gave that statement its own paragraph so that it would stand out. As its hard to believe this based on the endings of every ROMCOM, holiday cards, facebook, instagram and linked in post. A relationship or marriage is a commitment to work and stay in the organization irrespective of changing conditions. That means no escaping, only working.

I read many posts online on social media of women who strongly desire to be married. They are so focused on this goal that they do not take the time to develop themselves. The example I could give is imagine a younger Oprah who spent her time browsing social media, complaining how terrible men are, simultaneously being love sick and possibly having a on-off relationship with some guy who is really no good for her. So this theoretical younger Oprah never takes he time to look into herself and develop her talents and passions, never reaches the point of a millionaire, a philanthropist, and inspiration, a billionaire.

You don’d have to be in a relationship to be somebody. You are already someone very special, very important and full of unlimited potential. waiting on someone to give you legitimacy is a very dangerous approach. You maybe waiting until never or you could be easily deceived. Be yourself and be the best you that you can be, you deserve the best. Be you.

 

Featured image by: Wikipedia, Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson

Sculpting

Dating from a woman’s perspective, I would say is similar to sculpting. We don’t make the slabs of marble. We encounter various sizes and colors and qualities of marble throughout life, and sometimes, often times we encounter piles of dirt. So the earth supplies a slab of marble and we provide the dream/vision. Now we have to painstakingly labor to remove the unwanted and irrelevant pieces to achieve the masterpiece.

As previously mentioned, double standards suck, but for safety reasons its better not to be the initiator when you are interested in someone. Therefore the power that remains is in dismissing the ineligible suitors. Just like a sculptor chisels away the unwanted material, similarly guys who do not have the qualities you desire must be dismissed.

Featured image by: Stux https://pixabay.com/photos/sculptor-steinmetz-arts-crafts-1791944/

Sabotage Pt. 2

I have written previous blog posts about friends who are threatened by your happiness and accomplishments, even their imagination of your happiness offends them secretly. The friends that try to engage you in situations where you will be embarrassed, degraded, devastated, drunk, fired, divorced, imprisoned, physically harmed, and in worst case killed.

In a blog post titled Sabotage I retold a story where a jealous friend gave a woman bad advice, telling her to engage deeper into a relationship with a musician that lived overseas. You can read the post here: https://goodguyfinder.com/2019/07/29/sabotage/ but it is not necessary to read it to understand this post.

Gossip ultimately is a terrible thing as it is a snippet of a much greater issue. Since we are not naming names, and hopefully I am using this as a example of how to protect yourself, I don’t wish this to be misunderstood as gossip. I will call it, current events.

So the current event is the younger lady she advised to go all-in with the musician is now pregnant with the musician’s child. While a new life is a blessing to the world, for a child to have the best chance the father should be present. Unfortunately in this situation the musician has advised the young woman that he will not be relocating as he has other children to care for in his homeland, but he will visit when he can. You can use your imagination from there as to how the months and years ahead will play out.

This to me is partially sad, as the woman is probably disappointed, while simultaneously realizing how silly she was to expect a musician who sings and performs hyper-sexualized music to be domesticated by her. Understandably she believed herself to be the exception, like we all believe ourselves to be, but that has to be followed by exceptional decisions for our selves.

Though I wrote the Sabotage post about five months ago, and expected things to go badly, I did not expect it to go this bad. I expected him to use her for sex, a visa, and money as she is a high paid professional. I did not however expect a child to have to suffer from her naive decisions or the maleficent advice of a jealous woman. I am confident that there were other women giving her bad advise regarding the relationship for their selfish entertainment.

The jealous people now pretend to feel sorrow for her but are actually reveling in the devastation because they themselves are miserable. Now that someone else’s life is miserable they don’t feel lower or threatened by the still  accomplished, but once perceived happy person. They achieved their goal of sabotaging her life, and if she manages to overcome and smile again, they will again be envious and seek to tear her down.

All the signals were here, there and everywhere she chose not to heed them, she sought out the advise of those who also saw the signals but enjoyed the ratchet reality show that was developing.

In conclusion beware of people encouraging you to act against logic. Beware of people who themselves engage in reckless behavior. They are acting based on emotions and if you hold yourself to be exceptional you should not make decisions that are not based on facts and stats.

 

Featured image: Ben Mortimer https://www.flickr.com/photos/mort183/

Fortune favors the phone

I have been busy researching how to develop a hair product for about two months. So my inspiration to write has been hindered somewhat. You don’t get many apiffanies regarding relationships but reading PubMed, Heathline, WebMD and Wikipedia. Sometimes inspiration finds you though.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw a post from Financial Times. The British financial newspaper had posted a chart depicting the ways in which heterosexual couples meet over the past twenty years or so.

The chart showed that the majority of couples meet online primarily and at bars secondarily. If you have read my previous posts, I believe those to be the two worst places. Well actually I believe online and dance clubs are the worst but if you dance in a bar then that’s a club to me.

Online dating and clubs eliminate the benefits provided in the declining meeting situations. The ones on decline are: Church, Neighborhood, Family, Friends, College and Workplace. Those places and institutions allow your potential mate to be vetted by people who genuinely care for you.

Meeting a stranger at a bar or online alone is a risky business. It goes without saying how many Law and Order episodes probably start like that. A social order not only vettes your love interest but also ensures that you are not acting wreckless or silly or making a fool of yourself. As we can get caught up in the excitement and put away our common sense.

Apps and bars total to approximately 70% of how couples meet according to the chart in 2017. Also Pew Research Center, men 25-34yo who never marry is at 52% as of 2010 and climbing. The Pew report is seven years older than the Financial Times report. I would posit the prime age men who never marry is closer to 60% presently. The two numbers I just mentioned if anything says, whatever the majority of people are doing, is probably not the best thing to do.

We all would like an easy and happy life but life isn’t always happy or easy. We would like to be left alone to be free to make our own choices but we need people to save us when we are in trouble. In my opinion the best strategy is to learn from others’ mistakes. Save ourselves a lot of time and losses. Use the network of family, the right friends(not all are good) and the right environment to create the conditions for a safe and sustainable relationship.