Tag: marriage

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/77wKN

Valentine’s PavLov(e)

I am writing this as valentines day approaches. I happened on a article in a magazine where a comedian wrote a serious(I believe it was serious) article about self-love and enjoying Valentines day by herself. In short, she took the day to pamper herself at the spa and take herself out. I thought this was genius. I also though it should be done more times than on Valentines Day.

Why do we put so much thought and energy into these dates? If you are religious then Valentines Day doesn’t show up on your calendar. If you are spiritual it may not show up on your calendar. If you are agnostic or atheist you tell me, I assume it doesn’t have any value either.

These dates such as Black Friday, Presidents Day, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, and Fathers Day have no religious, cultural or practical origin that I am aware of. They have evolved as ultimately drivers of the consumer based economy. I am not insulated from this as I spend(waste) oodles of hard earned dollars on sentimental gifts I could have used to pay own my debts.

In a materialistic/consumerist environment society pressures you and guilt trips you into compliance. The network of people around you have already drank the proverbial kool-aid and the are doing to make you a kool-aid drinker buy force if necessary. The echo chamber of indoctrination can be so loud and strong that we loose sight of the meaning and purpose behind the things we do. We are so afraid of being ostracized.

There’s a thing called the Pavlov’s Dog study. Google would explain it better than I, but in effect it shows how the mind can be programmed through acts of repetition. Not to be insulting but we function similarly to Pavlo’s dog.

This Valentine’s season and maybe going forward we should not be down on ourselves that things are not romantically where we would like. Instead we ca try to think about how we can be good to ourselves like the comedian in the magazine. Ultimately the depression we may feel is a result of programming.

Sculpting

Dating from a woman’s perspective, I would say is similar to sculpting. We don’t make the slabs of marble. We encounter various sizes and colors and qualities of marble throughout life, and sometimes, often times we encounter piles of dirt. So the earth supplies a slab of marble and we provide the dream/vision. Now we have to painstakingly labor to remove the unwanted and irrelevant pieces to achieve the masterpiece.

As previously mentioned, double standards suck, but for safety reasons its better not to be the initiator when you are interested in someone. Therefore the power that remains is in dismissing the ineligible suitors. Just like a sculptor chisels away the unwanted material, similarly guys who do not have the qualities you desire must be dismissed.

Featured image by: Stux https://pixabay.com/photos/sculptor-steinmetz-arts-crafts-1791944/

Fortune favors the phone

I have been busy researching how to develop a hair product for about two months. So my inspiration to write has been hindered somewhat. You don’t get many apiffanies regarding relationships but reading PubMed, Heathline, WebMD and Wikipedia. Sometimes inspiration finds you though.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw a post from Financial Times. The British financial newspaper had posted a chart depicting the ways in which heterosexual couples meet over the past twenty years or so.

The chart showed that the majority of couples meet online primarily and at bars secondarily. If you have read my previous posts, I believe those to be the two worst places. Well actually I believe online and dance clubs are the worst but if you dance in a bar then that’s a club to me.

Online dating and clubs eliminate the benefits provided in the declining meeting situations. The ones on decline are: Church, Neighborhood, Family, Friends, College and Workplace. Those places and institutions allow your potential mate to be vetted by people who genuinely care for you.

Meeting a stranger at a bar or online alone is a risky business. It goes without saying how many Law and Order episodes probably start like that. A social order not only vettes your love interest but also ensures that you are not acting wreckless or silly or making a fool of yourself. As we can get caught up in the excitement and put away our common sense.

Apps and bars total to approximately 70% of how couples meet according to the chart in 2017. Also Pew Research Center, men 25-34yo who never marry is at 52% as of 2010 and climbing. The Pew report is seven years older than the Financial Times report. I would posit the prime age men who never marry is closer to 60% presently. The two numbers I just mentioned if anything says, whatever the majority of people are doing, is probably not the best thing to do.

We all would like an easy and happy life but life isn’t always happy or easy. We would like to be left alone to be free to make our own choices but we need people to save us when we are in trouble. In my opinion the best strategy is to learn from others’ mistakes. Save ourselves a lot of time and losses. Use the network of family, the right friends(not all are good) and the right environment to create the conditions for a safe and sustainable relationship.

Eastern Promises

Divorce in the United States occurs at a rate of something like 44%. This is for a variety of reasons. As mentioned before in a previous post, relationships have to be reinforced by the community. As much as we consider ourselves as individuals and unique, we are products of our environment. Our environment in the US promotes in our media that we should have multiple partners before settling down and to utilize divorce if you are unhappy, or cheat if you want to find some compromise.

According to a 2015 Washington Post article, divorce among those in the Indian community is between 1% to 15%. Also according to a 1993 study by Pang Linlin the divorce rate in china is between 5% to 8%. This is because the culture of those countries in regards to relationships is to find one and make it work.

My first post on this site recommended that women find themselves a man that is not too intellectually capable. The above information throws that out the window when you go outside of the American pool of men. As is already evident via silicon valley Asian men(India and China) are more committed at rates of up to 11 times more than American men.

In conclusion, it would be wise to entertain more Asian men. Strangely a report produced by the dating site OKCipid showed that Asian men were on the undesirable end of the dating pool with Asian women. This is a mistake on the part of those women. This mistake can be capitalized upon by women all over the world who are subject to dealing with the promiscuity and infidelity of American, European and other Western cultured men.

In conclusion, and Asian man is a better partner in regards to commitment. Not discussed here they are also at the highest earners economically.

Change is gonna crumble

I can not say that I exercise proper writing technique. Especially in the area of filling a post with filler in order to delay the reader and increase my word count. Writers for actual commercial publications get compensated on the amount of words they can cram into an article. Fortunately for us all, WordPress is a free platform and unfortunately for me I am not being paid to write anything.

Now that that introductory paragraph has delayed you and made me appear as if I am building suspense here is the point I am going to present. Do not enter into a dating or serious relationship or marriage with the hope or intent that the person will change. Some people may make mild adjustments but not major changes. The rare event where people make major changes only occurs when a traumatic or tragic or humbling or embarrassing or horrifying event befalls them. Many people will remain the same even after a horrible event. So the event of you and the person becoming an item will not change them significantly. You have a choice to either accept them as they are or not to get involved with them at all.

Trying to change someone at a later date is deceptive on your part because you did not accept them as you found them. Your change or modification of expectations will come as shock to them and result in push-back or they will repress themselves for a time and eventually explode.

It is better to at the earliest stage determine whether you can accept the person as-is, just like a used car. With no warranties implied. People are not similar to our gadgets that we can change or upgrade. By the time a person is 13 years old they are pretty much on a trajectory they will barely veer from. So when you meet them in thier 20s or later your efforts to change them will result in dissapoitment.

Worst foot First

In some situations you may want to save the best for last, such as a meal or a marathon race where you want to pace yourself. In relationships the starting conditions and behaviors set a precedence for the future. So it is one situation where you would like to know the worst case scenario behavior of your love interest.

To be brief, if there are things that you want for the relationship, those things have to be established from the onset. There should be little or no deviation from the conditions that you believe will give you happiness.

Most people put their best forward by being disingenuous, deceptive and compromising of their true intentions. This does not work in the long term as that denial of self or facade is difficult to maintain. Many think that being their real selves will be a deterrent. This is incorrect thinking. Being oneself will attract only those who are in harmony with your plans and intentions. Be your true self from the beginning even if you believe it will deter the person you have interest in. If that is the case that person is not interested in you, only the fake person you are pretending to be.

In conclusion be yourself always and establish your expectations and desires from the beginning and be unwavering. Its not rude, its actually fair to all parties. Saves time and future regret.

Modern vs Traditional

Marriage is a construct of religion. Also religion facilitates the oppression of women and antiquated gender roles. The fickle, on-demand and instant gratification culture that we currently live in, conflicts with long term commitment.

Religion relegates the following roles for women:
-Baby factory
-Housekeeper
-Exclusive child caregiver
-Exclusive elderly caregiver
-Sex doll(receiver only)
-Non factor in decision making
-No representation(non voter/owner)
-Modest
-Captive in the home

Still in our modern times, many wish to have the security of a marriage unfortunately originally based on a oppressive institution for women. Therefore some modifications have to be made if it is to garner you any happiness.

Either your marriage has to be external of religiosity, or it has to be based on a previously agreed customized or new-age social order. A belief system is required because people are kept in line by the collective’s values. If the collective group does not encourage or reinforce a certain belief system, it will not last. That is why couples that are married are encouraged to hang out with other married couples.

A man that is a fundamentalist in his cultural beliefs(religious or ethnic) will desire you to be in a submissive or sub-servient role(Unless he lives in the Aamzon). In such a role you loose power and influence aside from nagging, using guilt, crying etc. These methods can be effective in some cases but if you are an intellectual you may not wish to resort to such banal methods.

In conclusion there needs to be an agreed social order or religion or ethos in a relationship. Also that must be reinforced by associating with those of the same belief system. Too fundamentalist is oppressive and too liberal will not provide enough social pressure to keep him in the relationship. Love is great, but there are many other variables that keep a pair together.

Worrier stop worrying

Now, you may be worrying a lot about what your man is doing when not in your presence. If you have a mate with tattoos, dances well and is highly intelligent then unfortunately nothing I say here will ever give you peace of mind.

There are a lot of advantages to not being in love with or not being crazy about your mate. For example take a cliche gold-digger who in all appearances fawns over her man. She is always disconnected emotionally and that is how she always reaches her goals of extracting his resources. For the everyday woman not particularly seeking to exploit her mate’s financial resources but seeking a lifelong companion, it may be useful to be somewhat disconnected. Not cold but not in a position to be emotionally crushed/weakened by disappointment.

This serves multiple purposes. It allows you to remain goal oriented(if that’s your thing), protected from emotional breakdown, focused and relaxed. Most importantly it makes you always desirable as you are always just out of reach. Most men do not have emotional intelligence and will barely notice. As long as your detachment is not accompanied by harsh criticism, complaining and verbal abuse your man will believe your in the most perfect of relationships.

In conclusion it’s best to barely like they guy and not be gaa-gaa crazy over him. Being crazy about him will make you weak and unfocused.