Tag: Dating

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

You Are Special

As a child I felt myself to be a philosopher of sorts. I would say “I can see out of my eyes, and I cant see out of yours.” Mind blowing isn’t it? Maybe not.

If we can only see things from our own eyes it’s then impossible for another peson to fully understand us. Our true feelings, inner struggles, fears and self value.

Therefore as a result of our unique makeup and limited supply(there’s only one you) we are each special and exceptional. To a stranger we are just another one of the billions of humans they must quickly pre-judge on initial encounter. To a partner we are someone they have a collection of information on from which they can attempt to predict our thoughts and actions. A partner can not exist in our hearts and minds and this is why constant communication is necessary.

I am getting off topic. What I want to get to, is though it is a fact that we are all novel, our novelty does not make us exempt. Anything hat has happened to anyone can potenially happen to me.

We should not enjoy seeing others suffer or go throuh drama. We should take a lesson from thier experience and imagine ourselves in thier situation in order to avert a similar outcome. This is one of the issues that I have with reality TV and celebrity gossip. These areas of entertainment make the real life characters seem so far removed that we don’t inherently see them as humans. We don’t empathize. We don’t see how these tragedies could befall us and in some instances where they do happen to us we wonder “why me?” We are special but not exempt.

Think of a bad relationship situation, we woulld like to say it could never happen to us, but I feel it is helpful to review the time line leading up to the bad relationship in order to prevent it from happening o you.

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

Featured image: https://flic.kr/p/mNiJ32

Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/77wKN

Covid app trap

I don’t know exactly how to approach the phenomena of the Coronavirus as it relates to dating. We are social animals and all desire companionship in some form. As communication via digital platforms is never a replacement for real in person interaction.

During a crisis I suspect most of us seek an immediate relief and a return to better days. If none seems within sight we may seek momentary escape via distractions, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, creativity, etc. I hope we all choose constructive destructions and outlets for our frustrations.

Strangely couples that live together are experiencing record levels of stress leading to separation. While single people are experiencing loneliness leading to stress. Neither condition should be envied. Couples may have someone that will help or harm them. Singles may need help or may be self sufficient.

Its is important to mention that mental health and addiction issues have increased among the population during the epidemic and resulting lock down. This is a time where we need to heal and take care of ourselves as individuals. One thing that can be taken from the current situation is that personal health contributes to overall health of the community and ultimately the world. Tapping into our faith and network of constructive people is very important now and always.

I said all of that to say the following: Do not allow stress, fear, anxiety, boredom and despair to put you into a position where you are not analytical of the person you have a romantic interest in. Do not allow the situation to cause you to self harm or engage in destructive behavior or companionship.

We are in a time of high unemployment, low worker participation, mass scamming and identity/financial theft. The exposing of the curruption of prominent people has given encouragement to some to live lives of dishonesty. You have to determine who is genuine and worthy of your time.

As I have written previously, I despise dating apps. Due to the the lock downs the libraries, museums, colleges, offices, even churches are closed. The places where you are more likely to encounter disciplined, moral and useful people are closed. So I never condemn or demean anyone for using apps. I just believe they allow people to be more deceptive and they take away uniqueness and humanity. The current stresses may play into the hands of players.

If used in a precise manner apps can be useful but I suspect that we put too much trust in the apps and relax our critical analysis skills.

Strange times require us to adapt and overcome. I have to accept that 30% of married couples met online and apps are the future and seem to be the only resort during the lock downs aside from arranged meetings through family and friends. One thing we never discard is keeping ourselves as a priority and protecting ourselves. Our individual wellness and happiness is needed to be able to make humanity well.

Valentine’s PavLov(e)

I am writing this as valentines day approaches. I happened on a article in a magazine where a comedian wrote a serious(I believe it was serious) article about self-love and enjoying Valentines day by herself. In short, she took the day to pamper herself at the spa and take herself out. I thought this was genius. I also though it should be done more times than on Valentines Day.

Why do we put so much thought and energy into these dates? If you are religious then Valentines Day doesn’t show up on your calendar. If you are spiritual it may not show up on your calendar. If you are agnostic or atheist you tell me, I assume it doesn’t have any value either.

These dates such as Black Friday, Presidents Day, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, and Fathers Day have no religious, cultural or practical origin that I am aware of. They have evolved as ultimately drivers of the consumer based economy. I am not insulated from this as I spend(waste) oodles of hard earned dollars on sentimental gifts I could have used to pay own my debts.

In a materialistic/consumerist environment society pressures you and guilt trips you into compliance. The network of people around you have already drank the proverbial kool-aid and the are doing to make you a kool-aid drinker buy force if necessary. The echo chamber of indoctrination can be so loud and strong that we loose sight of the meaning and purpose behind the things we do. We are so afraid of being ostracized.

There’s a thing called the Pavlov’s Dog study. Google would explain it better than I, but in effect it shows how the mind can be programmed through acts of repetition. Not to be insulting but we function similarly to Pavlo’s dog.

This Valentine’s season and maybe going forward we should not be down on ourselves that things are not romantically where we would like. Instead we ca try to think about how we can be good to ourselves like the comedian in the magazine. Ultimately the depression we may feel is a result of programming.

Sculpting

Dating from a woman’s perspective, I would say is similar to sculpting. We don’t make the slabs of marble. We encounter various sizes and colors and qualities of marble throughout life, and sometimes, often times we encounter piles of dirt. So the earth supplies a slab of marble and we provide the dream/vision. Now we have to painstakingly labor to remove the unwanted and irrelevant pieces to achieve the masterpiece.

As previously mentioned, double standards suck, but for safety reasons its better not to be the initiator when you are interested in someone. Therefore the power that remains is in dismissing the ineligible suitors. Just like a sculptor chisels away the unwanted material, similarly guys who do not have the qualities you desire must be dismissed.

Featured image by: Stux https://pixabay.com/photos/sculptor-steinmetz-arts-crafts-1791944/

Forgive and journal

I have not been writing as much as I used to. I just about skipped a whole week of writing. Usually inspiration comes from the environment and from personal observation/experience. Although I have been inspired the subject matter would not relate to the blog. Specifically I have been researching holistic hair care and that is a whole culture within itself. Ultimately the sum total of holistic anything is you have to eat the right things and it takes longer to work than so calked conventional cosmetics or medicine, etc.

I’m using my phone to write this post and spellcheck is turned off so i will probably sound more illiterate than usual.

On the subject of forgiveness, someone probably said this but it is something that you give yourself. Whether you are forgiving another person or yourself, it is important to your healing process akin to a holistic cleanse. Cleanse sounds gross. Lets use the word exfoliation as I am now into holistic cosmetics.

You can’t beat yourself up because you made a mistake. You have to forgive yourself but also take note of what you dud incorrectly so you don’t repeat it more times than we like to admit.

Recently I picked up one of my favorite supplements at the supermarket and wondered why I had stopped using it. I went home and looked at the ingredients. It was because of one of my enemies the dreaded SUCRALOSE with its ties to cancer and disgusting aftertaste. This was a perfect example of not taking notes or making a journal of why I stopped using this product about 4 years ago.

Similarly we end relationships, and after an extended period of time forget the horrors that caused the break, including the warning signs at the beginning. So we end up missing the warning signs in a new or recycled love interest-then BAM you find out this person is filled with FAKE SUGAR. A bad taste is left as a reminder that you’re not taking enough notes or journaling.

Forgive yourself. No one is perfect and we are going to make mistakes as long as we live we just want to avoid repeating them and avoid making huge ones we can’t bounce back from. Avoiding hurried decisions is key in allowing sufficient mental resources to  become available to facilitate the right decision.

Not a doctor or a magician

In the old Star Trek movies methinks from the 1970s, there was a doctor on the ship. When he was overwhelmed he would bark at the captain “I’m a doctor not a magician!” I think he meant that he was trained in medicine, not in giving people a superficial or illusion of a solution. Medicine requires a thorough assessment of a variety of variables. Many afflictions exhibit the symptoms of others and misdiagnosis could have no effect or even worsen the patients condition. A magician is also a highly trained profession but they are trying too fool your senses into believing something. That’s not a cure, its not even a ban aid. So a magician in effect uses a placebo placebo  for every case.

Anyhow, we are not magiacians or doctors. Maybe you are actually, but imagine you are not then, humor me. So now we all aren’t doctors or magicians yay.

You can’t fix anyone, unless they want to be and since you are not a trained psychologist, your fixing may not be sustainable. I like that word sustainable, very holistic. Therefore you are wasting your resources(time) if you believe you can change an adult who has been enjoying being who they are. Additionally your attempt to point out their flaws can be received by their ego as an attack. Feeling attacked they may retaliate and/or dig deeper into the behavior you tried to help them correct. Unless they themselves see the error and sincerely want to change your efforts are futile(another star trek reference.)

This is not giving up on the person, and don’t let them guilt trip you into feeling badly. They must be allowed to come to the realization themselves, as they rebuffed your attempt to point it out or you may not have the know how. Although it is difficult, you have to save yourself or they might take you down with them. People love to see a train wreck and the proof is in the prevalence of trashy reality shows, celebrity news and social media. If they are a wreck, your stability, freedom, discipline even health may be offensive to them and they would enjoy seeing you brought low.

A better title would be “Don’t be a martyr” but I feel I may have used that title elsewhere. Yeah we remember some of the high profile martyrs, Joan of Arc, Jesus, MLK, Che, etc. Their deaths changed things for millions of people. Are you going to martyr yourself for one person who does not recognize that they need to, or do they want to be saved? Your close friends and family might remember what you sacrificed for that person, but is it worth the los of you resource(time) that will never return. You may have strong feelings for them, but how long will those feeling s last under unsustainable conditions. Be a hero to yourself, be a doctor to yourself, don’t be a magician to yourself. Definitely don’t be a martyr for someone who isn’t worth it.

Satisfaction not guaranteed

Only recently I have been purchasing strawberries that are USDA organic non-gmo. They are always tasty compared to the strawberries I ate when I was a child and GMO and Organic were not in my vocabulary. The strawberries I remembered as a youth had not sweetness and I wondered why everyone raved about strawberries. I had a similar experience with watermelons. Nowadays the farmers seem to have found their mojo. They are consistently producing sweet fruits. They have it down to a science. Still once in a while I will purchase a box of strawberries usually the non-organic ones, and they will have no taste just as the ones of my childhood.

I am not a health nut, nor a organic, non-GMO cult member but I would prefer not to eat the pesticides if you may be so kind.

Looking at a strawberry for me conveyed no great enthusiasm due to my varied past regarding their taste. Satisfaction was not directly related to a strawberry in my brain. Similarly, sex does not equal satisfaction for most women. This makes it strange that there is a prevalence of hook-up culture in popular media. Maybe my social circle is prudish(not) but I think the media blows this population way out of proportion.

I don’t want to digress but I have a big issue with the way media trivialized the free love and women’s liberation movement of the 1970s. It wasn’t just about not wearing a bra, using drugs, and marijuana and concerts and sex. The majority of people were living conventional square lifestyles or at least pretending to do so. Also the youth of the 1907s were seeking to have a purpose, seeking spiritual awakening, greater understanding, intellectual growth, international scope.

I guess the sub-culture population practicing free love and drug use were inspired by the stories they heard of the roaring 1920s. 1920s, 1970s, 2020s and we are preparing the next group in 2070s.

Back to the topic though-again I despise apps. The hookup culture has no sustainable benefit. Why get all sweaty, dehydrated and mess up your hair for something that is not guaranteed. A better investment in my opinion is to consider a person as a whole and take the time to investigate all they have to offer. Sex is important(very) but sex is maybe I’m guessing 0.0001% of our time alive(totally unscientific). The rest of your time is spent sleeping, at work, eating, on your phone, using the bathroom, I guess.

You cant start a relationship with a hookup. Real life is not the movies. Real life is not a snapshot of a subgroup in the 1920s or 1970s. Real life is a mush longer story. So since sexual satisfaction is not guaranteed and sex is only part of 0.0001% of life, you have to connect on the other levels.