Tag: advice

Getting noticed

I really do not like double standards. I respect and appreciate equality. We are not all plying by the same rules, so  I may be egalitarian while persons I must interact with may not. This is a fact to consider when trying to get noticed by someone you are interested in. As there are different social expectations on how men and women are to behave.

Intuitively we find ways of accomplishing getting noticed using subtle indicators. The methods are almost pre-programmed like a nature show mating ritual. Whether it may be taking more pride in your appearance, making yourself more visible, more audible, fragrances, etc. Petting or touching is a precarious area especially in the workplace, that is a topic for much more legal and social consideration. So touching should probably be saved for after the person has agreed to

Ideally a man or woman should be able to respectfully express their interest directly but for women that could be an opportunity for a double standard upholding person to criticize. As we can not allow the limitations placed on us by the peanut gallery to limit us from living. Their opinion should be recognized, but carry no weight. Unfortunately the person you are pursuing’s opinion does matter. They may also uphold traditional social constructs. While I prefer to rely on the wisdom of tradition we in a new time where women have almost equal representation under the law and a little more than previous centuries in the social order. To be blunt, your expression of interest my invoke immediate sexual arousal. That potentially puts in jeopardy a thorough and organic development of a friendship/relationship… You never want to lead with sex-if your goal is a long term sustainable relationship.

I will give one example that shook me a few years back when a female friend called me to talk about her recent breakup. Without much detail, they dated shortly and then the guy told her it wasn’t going to work out, but he stated they can continue to have sex. She was not only rightfully offended, but also hurt as this had been her experience on more than one occasion. Her goal was a long term and sustainable relationship. The elements that worked against her included that she met him on an app, she didn’t take the time to fully evaluate whether they had shared interests, didn’t meet his family, his friends and was in a hurry to get married for social clout. As she was in a hurry this gave him the opportunity without much effort to exploit her for sex. He ultimately failed as she wouldn’t entertain his proposal. She did nothing wrong, but should have taken more time to investigate a person’s compatibility and sustainability. In a previous post, I not very scientifically said sex only takes up 0.001% of our lives so we cannot build long term and sustainable relationships on that.

Getting back to getting noticed, this relates as your intentions, your goals, your interpretation of your courting can be misunderstood. We live in an open, hyper sexualized environment, and I don’t need to go into the statistics of pornography consumption which people do in private. Approaching someone for coffee or lunch or a walk in the park can be misunderstood. A perfect example is the story of Aziz Ansari. A young lady expressed an interest in him, and he immediately expected sex. As a result there was grave miscommunication which resulted in her feeling assaulted and him effectively going into hiding for two approximately two years. She exercised her equal ability to express interest but the interest was transformed in Aziz’s mind into a sexual invitation.

What is the solution to this misunderstanding and miscommunication? How can you prevent the person you are interested in from getting away or picked up by another? The solution is to move as slowly as possible. Study them as much as possible. Do not lead with sexuality(if you want long term sustainability).

I really really hate double standards but, they exist and they have a great effect on us even if we do not practice them. If you miss the opportunity with this great person, you might regret it, but what If this person is actually a monster that you didn’t properly and slowly analyze. To find out that they are a monster after you have given up your resources to them is worse that letting them pass and avoiding one more hurt.

 

Bad company

We are social beings right? Even before Myspace-if you are too young to know what Myspace is ask your parents.

The creatures we call animals, operate according to their own social order likewise. Unfortunately we designed cellphones to fit opposable thumbs so the animals are not yet able to sign up for Instagram. Ultimately socializing is as old as life on the planet and we mostly choose to get together with like-minded individuals. These can be human or otherwise-a lot of people have proven that your dog might be a better friend that a large segment of the human population.

Choosing to only make acquaintance with like minded people makes you feel great. You agree, you relate and probably have a heap of fun together. Though fun, this association can be destructive, especially if you are already destructive. Also, if your acquaintance is not necessarily like-minded but practices enabling your destructive habits. Figuratively it is like a friend that sees you are on fire and throws gasoline on you.

They may have an interest or dependency on the fact that you are screwed up, or they may be oblivious, or maybe they are not your friend at all but you think that they are.

The human need to be in a group is beneficial in may ways. We can develop things, share information, heal, entertain, defend, teach, the list continues. So it’s important not only to keep the council of people that only say yes but we also need the council of people that tell us NO! I touched upon this in a prior posting but it is a thought that needs to be repeated.

Instagram and Facebook have option where you can continue to be a friend to someone but mute their postings. I have done this with people who constantly post disrespectful, tasteless, raunchy, detracting, violent and just dumb content. If they mix it(crap) up with mostly something edifying, uplifting, encouraging, entrepreneurial, enlightening then I don’t mind.

Stay away from destructive persons and those that enable destruction. They may be in misery and want you to join them. They may enjoy gossip so thoroughly that they would revel in you having drama or it would make them feel better about themselves to see you brought low. Analyze whether they have verifiable experience or knowledge of what they are encouraging you to do.

Friends, family, television, movies, social media, billboards, music, artists, horoscopes, palm-readers, fortune tellers, celebrities, government all want something from us. They all do things to get us to behave a certain way, give our time, give our money, give our lives, give our souls to their specific relative agenda. Therefore we have to be careful and reject the poison and take the medicine.

Life time

Life time. Is there any other time?

I’m not trying to be poetic. It just came to me that the only time that matters is when you are alive. Yes, we care about leaving a better world for the future generations, but that requires you to use your current time to prepare the future for yourself and others.

There is a point where you start totally devoting your time to other’s interest and when you reach that point, you have to analyze what is that cost to your “Life time?”

Time is usually associated with money, but that’s too basic. Time should be properly put in the category of currency. Money is currency, but currency isn’t only money. You use your time, spend your time, invest your time, waste your time, give your time and so on. All are words usually associated with currency or something of value.

At times we feel obligated to donate our time to someone. If you are rich with time, meaning you have eternal youth and are immortal, then you can donate an unlimited amount of time. In real life, we only have about 70 something years, the beginning of which we are just learning how to use our time well, the middle pert we are supposed to be baking the best of our time, and the end part we are running out of time. Add the factor that we could die at anytime and everything becomes more urgent.

Every moment should be a gain. Time is an investment. Investments produce returns, and hopefully profits. This doesn’t mean you should exploit people or be a scrooge. It means every moment should have an intended long term or short term goal that will result in a return, whether physically, mentally, spiritually and anything positive.

You don’t owe anyone your time. They didn’t make a deposit in the time bank from which you took out a loan. You are on a limited time budget. Excuse yourself from a time wasting situation and invest your time into a fruitful one.

Worst foot First

In some situations you may want to save the best for last, such as a meal or a marathon race where you want to pace yourself. In relationships the starting conditions and behaviors set a precedence for the future. So it is one situation where you would like to know the worst case scenario behavior of your love interest.

To be brief, if there are things that you want for the relationship, those things have to be established from the onset. There should be little or no deviation from the conditions that you believe will give you happiness.

Most people put their best forward by being disingenuous, deceptive and compromising of their true intentions. This does not work in the long term as that denial of self or facade is difficult to maintain. Many think that being their real selves will be a deterrent. This is incorrect thinking. Being oneself will attract only those who are in harmony with your plans and intentions. Be your true self from the beginning even if you believe it will deter the person you have interest in. If that is the case that person is not interested in you, only the fake person you are pretending to be.

In conclusion be yourself always and establish your expectations and desires from the beginning and be unwavering. Its not rude, its actually fair to all parties. Saves time and future regret.