Category: relationships

Is he using you for sex?

If you have to ask the above question you should assume that he is.

This is not to cause you to get angry and lash out emotionally. as your emotions are clouding your judgment to begin with. The correct response is to make him wait before having sex or if you have already had sex now you must evaluate what you seek from the relationship.

Physical programming causes most of us to want to have sex. It only lasts for a few minutes or seconds, but can create a mountain of problems.

Do not confuse great pleasure for love and do not expect to have the same response reciprocated.

If you have not yet had sex you are in the best position. Though it may seem archaic, and victiran to make him wait, it is for your own good. These old traditions were not put in place willy-nilly. So stay away from his willy. Spend quality time doing all the things you would do if there was no sexual energy. If he is easily irritable or ghosts you before reaching 4 months of dating and waiting, then his motivation was primarily physical programming or James Bond culture.

On the other hand if you just want to hook up, you have just wasted your time reading this. Just don’t expect to develop something greater. It is not impossible but he is more likely to maintain a relationship with you for the constant supply of sex and not for many other things. If you are just hooking up make yourself clear from the beginning. You should definitely know the person’s health status and exercise contraception via condoms and birth control in an extended understanding. you should also not keep your association with this person a secret totally as you want to know that you are safe and if anything happens to you, they can be found.

If you have had sex it puts you in a difficult place to now negotiate terms. Don’t feel bad its part of nature’s programming. watch a nature show for once. It will be difficult but not impossible. the first thing is to not delude yourself while not being cynical. Ask him what do you see in your future, does he see you being together for one, two, three, years, or forever? If the response is, I don’t know, or, lets see how it goes, or were just having fun, or were just getting…. Thats an indicator that there is no plan for longevity.  You can test him by saying it happened too fast and you want to wait, and not have sex again for months.  You also have a choice to end it there, right now. you may be waiting for a long term relationship that may never happen and you have just sex, food and events. How much time do you have to spend is what you should ask yourself. Do you want the same things is also an important question.

If you go back to my post on dating apps you will see that the world has changed. everything is on-demand. If you choose not to participate in the indiscipline of our current times then you yourself must be disciplined and read the signs that are clear without getting clouded by emotion or desire. Life can be hard but if you make the hard decisions for your benefit, it works out in your favor.

Social Media Snooping

Social media is a invention we have dealt with for approximately the last 20 years. It is debatable as to whether the world of relationships has adjusted to this new phenomena. Our non-digital reality has been affected but we have not made the needed adjustments. Social media has advantages and drawbacks. Let us start with the bad things first.

Disadvantages:

  • People can be disingenuous.
  • People can spy on you.
  • It is difficult to detach from past loves who you still connect with online.

Advantages:

  • You can get a lot of information(including spying) on a person.

As you can see above there are more disadvantages than advantages. The only advantage is itself a double edged sword but since social media is not going away for the foreseeable future it is better to use it than not.

When you meet a guy and exchange contact information. It is more important to connect to his social media than to his phone number. The social media account will give you an understanding of the following attributes/views:

  • Political
  • Dietary
  • Relationship
  • Humor
  • Family
  • Financial

By connecting with his social media you can quickly find out if you should run or keep studying. You should give yourself some time to observe, collect information and compile it to build a full character picture before addressing any undesirable attributes. If you address the attribute too quickly you may not have given yourself enough time to draw a full picture. Most importantly you should scan all his social media before having any sexual relations and ideally before you go on the first date. This will save a lot of time and can potentially protect your safety.

To identify the attributes that I think should cause you to run please see my other posts. It is also important to consider that many people have multiple social personalities. They have an account that is for the public and an account that is almost anonymous due to the unacceptable behavior they genuinely have. Therefore you have to use more senses and resources than social media. Thank you for reading.

Avoid apps if possible

I heard a statistic that stated something close to 30% of marriages are started online in current times. That may not necessarily be a good thing as divorce still hovers around 50%. Also dating apps have not been around long enough to gain empirical data to show how long these relationships last.

While the internet provides great convenience, it also has caused us to loose patience. Everything is on-demand and same-day service. Learning whether you are compatible with a person cannot be determined by 21 or 100 questions. You are not sure whether the questions are being answered truthfully or being answered by a highly intelligent sociopath.

Additionally placing yourself on an app or listing shows urgency and sometimes can be determined as desperation. Just as we shop on Amazon for new gadgets and fashion, similarly you are reducing yourself to a item or material to be selected from, not a unique and exceptional individual.  So while you have the opportunity to interview a number of candidates, using an app will not shorten your necessary courtship time in which to determine compatibility. Time should be taken to determine what truths each other can handle. Thank you for reading.

Eastern Promises

Divorce in the United States occurs at a rate of something like 44%. This is for a variety of reasons. As mentioned before in a previous post, relationships have to be reinforced by the community. As much as we consider ourselves as individuals and unique, we are products of our environment. Our environment in the US promotes in our media that we should have multiple partners before settling down and to utilize divorce if you are unhappy, or cheat if you want to find some compromise.

According to a 2015 Washington Post article, divorce among those in the Indian community is between 1% to 15%. Also according to a 1993 study by Pang Linlin the divorce rate in china is between 5% to 8%. This is because the culture of those countries in regards to relationships is to find one and make it work.

My first post on this site recommended that women find themselves a man that is not too intellectually capable. The above information throws that out the window when you go outside of the American pool of men. As is already evident via silicon valley Asian men(India and China) are more committed at rates of up to 11 times more than American men.

In conclusion, it would be wise to entertain more Asian men. Strangely a report produced by the dating site OKCipid showed that Asian men were on the undesirable end of the dating pool with Asian women. This is a mistake on the part of those women. This mistake can be capitalized upon by women all over the world who are subject to dealing with the promiscuity and infidelity of American, European and other Western cultured men.

In conclusion, and Asian man is a better partner in regards to commitment. Not discussed here they are also at the highest earners economically.

Change is gonna crumble

I can not say that I exercise proper writing technique. Especially in the area of filling a post with filler in order to delay the reader and increase my word count. Writers for actual commercial publications get compensated on the amount of words they can cram into an article. Fortunately for us all, WordPress is a free platform and unfortunately for me I am not being paid to write anything.

Now that that introductory paragraph has delayed you and made me appear as if I am building suspense here is the point I am going to present. Do not enter into a dating or serious relationship or marriage with the hope or intent that the person will change. Some people may make mild adjustments but not major changes. The rare event where people make major changes only occurs when a traumatic or tragic or humbling or embarrassing or horrifying event befalls them. Many people will remain the same even after a horrible event. So the event of you and the person becoming an item will not change them significantly. You have a choice to either accept them as they are or not to get involved with them at all.

Trying to change someone at a later date is deceptive on your part because you did not accept them as you found them. Your change or modification of expectations will come as shock to them and result in push-back or they will repress themselves for a time and eventually explode.

It is better to at the earliest stage determine whether you can accept the person as-is, just like a used car. With no warranties implied. People are not similar to our gadgets that we can change or upgrade. By the time a person is 13 years old they are pretty much on a trajectory they will barely veer from. So when you meet them in thier 20s or later your efforts to change them will result in dissapoitment.

Worst foot First

In some situations you may want to save the best for last, such as a meal or a marathon race where you want to pace yourself. In relationships the starting conditions and behaviors set a precedence for the future. So it is one situation where you would like to know the worst case scenario behavior of your love interest.

To be brief, if there are things that you want for the relationship, those things have to be established from the onset. There should be little or no deviation from the conditions that you believe will give you happiness.

Most people put their best forward by being disingenuous, deceptive and compromising of their true intentions. This does not work in the long term as that denial of self or facade is difficult to maintain. Many think that being their real selves will be a deterrent. This is incorrect thinking. Being oneself will attract only those who are in harmony with your plans and intentions. Be your true self from the beginning even if you believe it will deter the person you have interest in. If that is the case that person is not interested in you, only the fake person you are pretending to be.

In conclusion be yourself always and establish your expectations and desires from the beginning and be unwavering. Its not rude, its actually fair to all parties. Saves time and future regret.

Modern vs Traditional

Marriage is a construct of religion. Also religion facilitates the oppression of women and antiquated gender roles. The fickle, on-demand and instant gratification culture that we currently live in, conflicts with long term commitment.

Religion relegates the following roles for women:
-Baby factory
-Housekeeper
-Exclusive child caregiver
-Exclusive elderly caregiver
-Sex doll(receiver only)
-Non factor in decision making
-No representation(non voter/owner)
-Modest
-Captive in the home

Still in our modern times, many wish to have the security of a marriage unfortunately originally based on a oppressive institution for women. Therefore some modifications have to be made if it is to garner you any happiness.

Either your marriage has to be external of religiosity, or it has to be based on a previously agreed customized or new-age social order. A belief system is required because people are kept in line by the collective’s values. If the collective group does not encourage or reinforce a certain belief system, it will not last. That is why couples that are married are encouraged to hang out with other married couples.

A man that is a fundamentalist in his cultural beliefs(religious or ethnic) will desire you to be in a submissive or sub-servient role(Unless he lives in the Aamzon). In such a role you loose power and influence aside from nagging, using guilt, crying etc. These methods can be effective in some cases but if you are an intellectual you may not wish to resort to such banal methods.

In conclusion there needs to be an agreed social order or religion or ethos in a relationship. Also that must be reinforced by associating with those of the same belief system. Too fundamentalist is oppressive and too liberal will not provide enough social pressure to keep him in the relationship. Love is great, but there are many other variables that keep a pair together.

Simple Simon

Simple Simon is a somewhat derogatory name given to someone viewed as having lower intelligence. See the movie Tropic Thunder for an exaggerated visual, in the character of Simple Jack. Or see Forrest Gump for a sightly less exaggerated visual.

One thing that was a recurring theme in the movie Forrest Gump was his devotion to Jenny. Jenny was damaged in almost every way possible but Forrest could never see her flaws. Aside from his what I would call autism, Forrest was hard working, moral, talented, super strong and kind. He may not have had the best social skills but the beauty of his goodness overshadowed his intellectual limitations and earned him the love, respect and recognition of the whole country. Jenny meanwhile found him very silly and missed out on the sustainable life she could have enjoyed with Forrest.

I reference the fictional movie to illustrate the recurring story of good girls attraction to bad guys. Due to Jenny’s attraction to bad guys she was abused, made a single mother, introduced to drugs and eventually killed by HIV/AIDS. Bad guys, while exciting at the end of the day cannot deviate from their nature.

To be brief we are all attracted to rebellious behavior and repulsed by discipline. Even when discipline will get us everything we want in a long term and sustainable way, we will throw it away due to short cited emotional decisions.

It is highly unlikely that you will find a Forest Gump. There are many men on the high functioning end of Autism that would make a great candidate for a partner. It would take a lot of skill to determine if their spectrum of autism will be tolerable. So I am going to propose some very crass and offensive(post 2017) qualities that will allow you to select a man that will be faithful, a provider and subject to your whims.

The list of qualities/attributes are as follows:
-Autistic
-Speech impediment
-Physical deformity or disability
-Deceased mother
-Never knew his mother
-Virgin
-High moral conviction
-No tattoos
-Cant dance
-Drinks beer but not mixed drinks
-Doesn’t question authority
-Patriotic
-Sports fan
-Shy
-Helpful
-Loves animals
-Plays fantasy sports
-Watches sports
-Cannot dress
-College graduate
-Degree in science
-Degree in mathematics
-Degree in physics
-Respects his parents
-Does not watch pornography(this may be impossible)

None of the above are absolutes. Also too many of these should not be combined or you would end up with a vegetable. The above man will most likely not be very physically fit due to the beers and staying at home but he is loyal and in for the long haul.

Each situation is different and it takes time to find out all of someone’s nuances. It also will be required for you to pursue him. He will be too timid/shy to pursue you.