Category: relationships

Relationship goals

The internet is a funny place. Being a generation X-er gives the privilege of seeing the development of computer technology. Televisions when from black and white to thousands of colors. A floppy disk held something like 1.4Mb. I have a flash drive that is smaller than a nickel and holds 32Gb which is tens of thousands of floppy disks. The strange part about all the tech advancement is that we have not gotten more free time. Relative to the baby boomer generation wages don’t go as far as they did in prior years. So many people work multiple jobs or are pert of the gig economy in addition to their 9-5. Notifications are always pinging on your phone. You have tens of accounts to keep up with. Colleges cost more, taxes are higher, traffic fines are more numerous, there are tolls everywhere, your being spied on constantly, your cognitive abilities are diminished, nature is being destroyed, the list goes on and on. So technology is great(yeah right) but it brought with it additional work, additional bills, and additional anxiety. Nuclear energy is great at producing cheap electricity, but then there is the disposal of the waste, the nuclear weapon issue, accidents, etc. Even Einstein regretted his contribution to nuclear research.

Now to the main topic of discussion, relationships. We have these memes online that say “relationship goals” which take a millisecond snapshot of a couple displaying affection or laughing as if they are in a Caribbean resort commercial. These memes are misleading because most of us smile in pictures, even at funerals(if you take pictures at funerals). The other bazillion seconds of life are a variety of emotions and experiences. Most people don’t take pictures when they are crying, on the toilet, at a job interview, in divorce court, in a car accident, studying for an exam, arguing, getting augmentation surgery, whatever… Life is at times enjoyable, at times difficult and a lot of the time just repetitive drab. Relationships are the same.

So if we look at a “relationship goals” meme and believe that is the all encompassing experience we will go through, that is a set-up for disappointment. In the dating process the goal is to make the best attempt to find the most sustainable partnership where both parties are able to compliment each other lets say 75%+ of the time. The other 25% of the time people should probably have some time to themselves to avoid the 25% of the time they are not complimenting their significant other.

A relationship just like technology has to be something that improves your life. Not just a new gadget that gives you retail therapy then later either puts you in debt or throw it in the trash because its now obsolete. For example you might need a car but instead you buy one of those one-wheel hover things. The one-wheeled hover thing is new and cool but you cant put your groceries or luggage in it and you cant take it on the highway to work. Its not a sustainable vehicle. The goal should have been, not to obtain what you say in the cool video or poster of the one-wheeled thing. The goal should have been to get a vehicle that has utility. Yes, you have to pay insurance, fuel and repairs but you also have the capacity to get farther and faster with more, ultimately increasing your free time.

There will be ups and downs yes, but may the best, most informed decision based upon necessity and sustainability. Do not compromise long term sustainability for a one millisecond snapshot of happiness.

Bad company

We are social beings right? Even before Myspace-if you are too young to know what Myspace is ask your parents.

The creatures we call animals, operate according to their own social order likewise. Unfortunately we designed cellphones to fit opposable thumbs so the animals are not yet able to sign up for Instagram. Ultimately socializing is as old as life on the planet and we mostly choose to get together with like-minded individuals. These can be human or otherwise-a lot of people have proven that your dog might be a better friend that a large segment of the human population.

Choosing to only make acquaintance with like minded people makes you feel great. You agree, you relate and probably have a heap of fun together. Though fun, this association can be destructive, especially if you are already destructive. Also, if your acquaintance is not necessarily like-minded but practices enabling your destructive habits. Figuratively it is like a friend that sees you are on fire and throws gasoline on you.

They may have an interest or dependency on the fact that you are screwed up, or they may be oblivious, or maybe they are not your friend at all but you think that they are.

The human need to be in a group is beneficial in may ways. We can develop things, share information, heal, entertain, defend, teach, the list continues. So it’s important not only to keep the council of people that only say yes but we also need the council of people that tell us NO! I touched upon this in a prior posting but it is a thought that needs to be repeated.

Instagram and Facebook have option where you can continue to be a friend to someone but mute their postings. I have done this with people who constantly post disrespectful, tasteless, raunchy, detracting, violent and just dumb content. If they mix it(crap) up with mostly something edifying, uplifting, encouraging, entrepreneurial, enlightening then I don’t mind.

Stay away from destructive persons and those that enable destruction. They may be in misery and want you to join them. They may enjoy gossip so thoroughly that they would revel in you having drama or it would make them feel better about themselves to see you brought low. Analyze whether they have verifiable experience or knowledge of what they are encouraging you to do.

Friends, family, television, movies, social media, billboards, music, artists, horoscopes, palm-readers, fortune tellers, celebrities, government all want something from us. They all do things to get us to behave a certain way, give our time, give our money, give our lives, give our souls to their specific relative agenda. Therefore we have to be careful and reject the poison and take the medicine.

Obsession

Aaaaahhhh. O.M.G….

It’s hard to control your own mind a lot of the time. Or you can say feelings. Or you can say gut or heart. Everything is in the mind ultimately so I will just say mind.

How do you know when you are behaving in an obsessed manner? You might feel so strongly that you never take the time to notice. I would say the following are indicators:

  • Compromising your morals or beliefs
  • Begging
  • Insomnia
  • Neglecting important responsibilities
  • Not listening or respecting the other person’s requests to be left alone
  • Spying and/or stalking
  • Excessive communication(calls, text, social media)
  • Thoughts of violence and/or self harm
  • Destruction of property, vandalism and/or violence

I would guess most of us have(I have) exhibited the first four of the above. I also have been somewhat of a stalker and self-harmer. Looking back I have to say I could have used my free time more effectively.

If someone will not be with you, that should be respected. I can relate with any of the above honestly. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. If you were being pursued by a person you didn’t have an interest in, you would be very uncomfortable. It is a daily battler to deal with addiction, similarly overcoming obsession with a person is a daily battle but it gets easier as time progresses.

What ultimately saved me from evolving to a violent, 1000 text per minute, window-jump-througher was my empathy and my ego. I put myself in that person’s shoes and realized if I cared for them I would make them happy by leaving them alone. I also said to myself, how embarrassing is it, reducing myself to a worshipper of another person. While those two affirmations enabled me to end contact, stalking and self-harm there was still the habit of the cycling thoughts. Each of us has to find a way to control those cycling thoughts and I will admit as of today I am not fully “cured” but I am 75% better than I was then. I got rid of anything associated with that person. I keep myself occupied with creative activities, edifying films and articles, work, crafts, conversations with family and friends.

Don’t waste your time, energy and wonderfulness trying to pursue someone who you are ultimately making uncomfortable. Direct that energy towards yourself and developing yourself into a person you will be proud of when you look back years later.

Satisfaction not guaranteed

Only recently I have been purchasing strawberries that are USDA organic non-gmo. They are always tasty compared to the strawberries I ate when I was a child and GMO and Organic were not in my vocabulary. The strawberries I remembered as a youth had not sweetness and I wondered why everyone raved about strawberries. I had a similar experience with watermelons. Nowadays the farmers seem to have found their mojo. They are consistently producing sweet fruits. They have it down to a science. Still once in a while I will purchase a box of strawberries usually the non-organic ones, and they will have no taste just as the ones of my childhood.

I am not a health nut, nor a organic, non-GMO cult member but I would prefer not to eat the pesticides if you may be so kind.

Looking at a strawberry for me conveyed no great enthusiasm due to my varied past regarding their taste. Satisfaction was not directly related to a strawberry in my brain. Similarly, sex does not equal satisfaction for most women. This makes it strange that there is a prevalence of hook-up culture in popular media. Maybe my social circle is prudish(not) but I think the media blows this population way out of proportion.

I don’t want to digress but I have a big issue with the way media trivialized the free love and women’s liberation movement of the 1970s. It wasn’t just about not wearing a bra, using drugs, and marijuana and concerts and sex. The majority of people were living conventional square lifestyles or at least pretending to do so. Also the youth of the 1907s were seeking to have a purpose, seeking spiritual awakening, greater understanding, intellectual growth, international scope.

I guess the sub-culture population practicing free love and drug use were inspired by the stories they heard of the roaring 1920s. 1920s, 1970s, 2020s and we are preparing the next group in 2070s.

Back to the topic though-again I despise apps. The hookup culture has no sustainable benefit. Why get all sweaty, dehydrated and mess up your hair for something that is not guaranteed. A better investment in my opinion is to consider a person as a whole and take the time to investigate all they have to offer. Sex is important(very) but sex is maybe I’m guessing 0.0001% of our time alive(totally unscientific). The rest of your time is spent sleeping, at work, eating, on your phone, using the bathroom, I guess.

You cant start a relationship with a hookup. Real life is not the movies. Real life is not a snapshot of a subgroup in the 1920s or 1970s. Real life is a mush longer story. So since sexual satisfaction is not guaranteed and sex is only part of 0.0001% of life, you have to connect on the other levels.

Secret Agency

The word “Agency” as defined by Bing, actually one of the alternate definitions, is “A department or body providing a specific service for a government or similar organization.” We have bodies, check. We provide a variety of services in life, ok, well check that one too. We work for the government, some of us do but not everyone so we wont check that one. So we have two out of three.

Some of us are using our bodies to provide a specific service to a person in secret. That by definition would make us a, secret agent.

I would like to use a cultural reference film to embody a powerful female agent that is on the level of James Bond but I cant think of one. Lets say that you are that secret agent carrying out missions to save the world that no one will ever know about. Wouldn’t that suck?

I mean, you risk your life for people that would never know or appreciate your contribution to their freedom and happiness. There are no medals, no ceremonies and when you die on a mission they pit you in an unmarked grave. Just maybe 30 years later after documents are declassified, someone may mention you in an article, but by then you will be dead and what use is a pat on the back then?

When you meet a guy, it goes without saying that there is a vetting process. At times we may want to keep people out of our business. That gives us the comfort of not being judged and no one likes to be told they are wrong. That is totally understandable but running from correction may cause you to run in the wrong direction.

Friends and family are not there to just cheer on everything we do. They are there to also guide us and help us make the best life choices. If they are truly altruistic in their concern for your well-being. A friend that cheers you on in everything even when you choose to lets say, smoke crack, is not your friend. The one that says, don’t you dare smoke that crack are you stupid, is a good friend, though they could be less harsh with the language you know it is because they care.

The understanding of being a “side-chick” or “jump-off” or whatever more glamorous or comfortable term you choose, is one of a secret agent. The understanding is that your contributions will not be recognized, there will be no ceremonies and if you die on a mission, you may be put in an unmarked grave.

Always, always introduce someone you are dating to people in your social circle that are good judges of character. They may say what re you doing with that guy are you stupid, but don’t overreact. Listen to their reasoning, whether it makes sense and whether you have made an oversight.

I don’t want to scare anyone but I recently read an article about a young woman who met a guy on an app(I’m against apps) face to face at a park. She went missing for about 20 days, and they were able to locate her killer via her phone records. All they found of her were burnt remains. So again, I say, always, always introduce your friends to someone you are dating and if you are meeting someone for the first time I would add that you should have a friend with you.

 

Cute shoes

The other day I went to a discount store looking for shoes to wear to work. I barely remember what pair I was using as my go-to throw-on pair. Ultimately I needed a new pair of corporate casual dogs.

The style was a low cut boot made of leather(sorry vegans). They had a manufactured scuffed finish to them. I thought they were suited for business but edgy enough not to be considered formal attire. So I looked inside to see if they were my size, and they were a half size bigger than my foot. Its for work so I said who am I trying to convince that I have small feet, I am going to get these shoes because I think they are cute on me.

So I purchased them without trying tem on as they were already a size bigger, I dont need to try them on. Next day I start wearing the shoes. I sit at my desk for 10 hours so they barely got much testing aside from getting from my building to my car, and from my car to my office. So for the first week everything was fine.

The second week the left shoe started to feel hot. So I would take it off for a bit while at my desk. The third week it started giving me constant pain on my ring toe(I don’t know the toe nomenclature). I knew the shoes were tight, and uncomfortable but I kept wearing them for another month. They looked good and I couldn’t return them at this point so I decided to stick it out.

Then one day God sent an angel who decided to gift me a new pair of sneakers. They were unprofessional, they were like no sneaker I would usually wear as I mostly wore Converse styled sneakers, but oh my they were comfortable!

I felt as if I was walking on pillows. Maybe not pillows but maybe a hard mattress. Not like walking on alligator teeth like the last pair.

Many of us suffer in terrible relationships. Romantic and plutonic. They cause us so much pain and strife but we continue to punish ourselves because we are more concerned with how things appear or what we believe is expected of us. This is self inflicted torture ands a masochistic , loco way of behaving. I’d go as far as to say it is suicide as hardship is directly associated with shortened life span and poor health.

Don’t wait until 14 days. Send those shoes or people or whatever back to where they came from. You are not here to torture yourself to keep up appearances.

Looking without seeking

There is a classic 1970s movie starring Bruce Lee called Enter The Dragon. In it he is called by the British secret police to take down a drug kingpin. That’s all fine and dandy but the most relatable part is when a Scottish martial arts practitioner asks him “What’s your style.” to which Bruce replies “You can call it the art of fighting without fighting.” What I too that to mean is Bruce’s style is to always be prepared for a fight but to not go looking for one. I base that on martial arts teachers always saying it is to be used for self defense and the first resort of a martial arts practitioner is peace, or wisdom or something intellectual, I forget.

I realize I chose a terrible name for this blog, as the word Find infers intent seeking. While the majority(about 75%) of my recommendations are preparation for the time you are found. The other 25% is where I hate double standards and believe that women should approach men just like the other way around. Ultimately we have a lot of way to go to remove stigmas and dangers to such an undertaking so ultimately we have to for now stay in the 75% Victorian era repressive(unfortunately) area. Maybe someone will write a blog that will address how to handle this double standard safe zone.

Seeking implies desperation and desperation attracts predators. Like the crocodiles that wait by the water for the thirsty zebra or wildebeest or even a lion to stop by for a sip. The snap! Lion a la carte.

As I said in a previous posing, clubs and bars are not the right places, they are the worst, next to prison I guess. In a more recent post I posit that big cities are not ideal but that’s not a hardline statement as you can be in the right places where you will attract a more humanitarian city dweller.

Being in the right places and using discernment is the practice of looking without seeking. That is my style.

Business is personal

Thanks to credit cards and predatory lending, we almost never have an instance where we are without some form of capital. As a result the majority of us are carrying some form of debt. It’s as much a part of life as taxes, and death.

Some lucky people take a job at any, or no pay just for the joy of doing the work. While most of us take a job with heavy interest in the compensation, because we have all those debts mentioned a while ago, bills and wants to pay for.

A significant amount of marriages fail over finances. I don’t have the exact statistic but I heard something in the 65% range. Once I heard a pastor say sex was the cause of the failure of 75% of marriages but I find that very hard to believe unless the sex was extramarital. Anyhow, money is a significant part of a relationship.

Its difficult if not weird to flat out asked someone how much money and debt they have when you start dating but the answer has to be investigated. This in not gold digging, this is an attempt to determine if your fiscal habits are compatible and whether you will be helping each other or hindering.

Does this person have a job, do they have marketable skills or talents(realistically), o they have a chemical dependency, do they have an expensive hobby, do they have a YOLO attitude towards money? These things can be observed without a direct question about their assets.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Additionally someone who is foolish with money will be a burden and tear apart a relationship.

Escape from NY, LA, Miami, Austin…

There was a movie in the 90s, I think it was called Escape from New York which was the sequel to Escape from LA. Or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow, it was a post-apocalyptic film where everything is burning, perpetual night, and scarce resources.

Previously I spoke about the perils of dating applications. The sheer large number of humanity on those platforms, diminishes individual peoples value in others eyes. If we could see the people of our gender competing with us on the app, we might devalue ourselves also. What typically takes palace is in effect speed dating and the safety of the internet brings out the weirdest kind of people.

Similarly, big cities are huge outdoor dating apps. Millions of competitors vying for attention and other scare resources. Many want to be civilized but the lawless reign supreme as they follow no rules or ethos. We walk past and sometimes step over homeless human beings because we see them every day. We eventually resolve that we are busy in our city life and or this person is just trying to hustle to feed their habit. Total emotional disassociation. Is that a place we want to find a nurturing mate?

Living in a big city is not helpful for a lasting relationship. They are the worst. Too much competition. Rural and suburban areas are more family oriented and communal. Of course there are exceptions and we can tell by listening to country music, that rural life is not perfect, but there is a grand canyon between instability in rural areas and massive instability in the urban area.

Nothing is absolute, but if you think about it life in the city is crazy. The sooner you can escape, the better.

Are you in a good place.

Responsibility can be a curse word at times. Adulting is not exactly what we expected during our childhood. Experiencing a sheltered childhood makes adulting more difficult than a unsheltered(difficult) one. In either instance, coming into ones own adds many variables that we now are responsible for.

Historically, religion, culture and social constructs have dictated to us on the ways we are to operate. Many of those antiquated traditional guidelines still provide us with a great autopilot/cruise control in some situations. In other situations, they are not effective because they have not been translated to modern environmental factors. Factors such as psychological advertising, marketing, social media hashtag trends, cable television, psychiatry, urban concrete jungles, fast food and legalized marijuana. Most importantly they are not translatable to the liberation of women, and women’s struggle for equality in our communities.

Stick a pin in the realization that some of the thousand your old traditions don’t work like a Swiss army knife. We can still find uses for, yoga, meditation, holistic medicine, and a few other practices that function independent of a patriarchy.

I am not a religious expert, and less than a novice but I would assume that the polytheistic and eastern religions provide more practical uses than the big three(Christianity, Judaism, Islam).

As English is the worldwide language of business, along with that, Christianity(and the big three) is/are the basis of word religion. Directly that means patriarchy is the dominant culture worldwide.  Duuhhh right?

Midway conclusion is that our old tried and true religions are not always fit for our present dilemas. For the purpose of this blog in our modern courtship rituals they are mostly innefective. Yoga pants will get you attention but not necessarily sustainable attention. Nor do I belive there were such things as yoga pants 2000 years ago.

The question of whether you are in a good place is tied to your living conditions, diet, health, comfort, sleep, state of mind, career, debt, etc. Don’t get overwhelmed. We have to wear many hats to get what we need out of life.

Dating or being in a relation ship with another person now increases that responsibility to keep it all together. Therefore it is ill advised to start either while you are unprepared in your solitary situation.

We at times seek to escape out difficult circumstances using entertainment, vacations, medication, sex, food and you name it. But those just temporarily suppress symptoms. What is needed is actual solutions, actual cures, actual change to eliminate the need to escape or tolerate a poor quality of life.

Some examples would be, a financial advisor, a physical trainer, a psychologist, a nutritionist, a headhunter, even a real estate agent. People that can set you in the direction of self sustainability.

As my scope of work is in meeting the right person and not theology, yoga, nutrition, physical training, etc. I will conclude by saying that it is most important to take your time to have peace with yourself before hitching on to someone else’s wagon. That wagon may come with its own baggage, and being well will allow you to avoid or if you choose handle their baggage. Hopefully the former.