Category: relationships

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

You Are Special

As a child I felt myself to be a philosopher of sorts. I would say “I can see out of my eyes, and I cant see out of yours.” Mind blowing isn’t it? Maybe not.

If we can only see things from our own eyes it’s then impossible for another peson to fully understand us. Our true feelings, inner struggles, fears and self value.

Therefore as a result of our unique makeup and limited supply(there’s only one you) we are each special and exceptional. To a stranger we are just another one of the billions of humans they must quickly pre-judge on initial encounter. To a partner we are someone they have a collection of information on from which they can attempt to predict our thoughts and actions. A partner can not exist in our hearts and minds and this is why constant communication is necessary.

I am getting off topic. What I want to get to, is though it is a fact that we are all novel, our novelty does not make us exempt. Anything hat has happened to anyone can potenially happen to me.

We should not enjoy seeing others suffer or go throuh drama. We should take a lesson from thier experience and imagine ourselves in thier situation in order to avert a similar outcome. This is one of the issues that I have with reality TV and celebrity gossip. These areas of entertainment make the real life characters seem so far removed that we don’t inherently see them as humans. We don’t empathize. We don’t see how these tragedies could befall us and in some instances where they do happen to us we wonder “why me?” We are special but not exempt.

Think of a bad relationship situation, we woulld like to say it could never happen to us, but I feel it is helpful to review the time line leading up to the bad relationship in order to prevent it from happening o you.

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

Featured image: https://flic.kr/p/mNiJ32

Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/77wKN

Covid app trap

I don’t know exactly how to approach the phenomena of the Coronavirus as it relates to dating. We are social animals and all desire companionship in some form. As communication via digital platforms is never a replacement for real in person interaction.

During a crisis I suspect most of us seek an immediate relief and a return to better days. If none seems within sight we may seek momentary escape via distractions, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, creativity, etc. I hope we all choose constructive destructions and outlets for our frustrations.

Strangely couples that live together are experiencing record levels of stress leading to separation. While single people are experiencing loneliness leading to stress. Neither condition should be envied. Couples may have someone that will help or harm them. Singles may need help or may be self sufficient.

Its is important to mention that mental health and addiction issues have increased among the population during the epidemic and resulting lock down. This is a time where we need to heal and take care of ourselves as individuals. One thing that can be taken from the current situation is that personal health contributes to overall health of the community and ultimately the world. Tapping into our faith and network of constructive people is very important now and always.

I said all of that to say the following: Do not allow stress, fear, anxiety, boredom and despair to put you into a position where you are not analytical of the person you have a romantic interest in. Do not allow the situation to cause you to self harm or engage in destructive behavior or companionship.

We are in a time of high unemployment, low worker participation, mass scamming and identity/financial theft. The exposing of the curruption of prominent people has given encouragement to some to live lives of dishonesty. You have to determine who is genuine and worthy of your time.

As I have written previously, I despise dating apps. Due to the the lock downs the libraries, museums, colleges, offices, even churches are closed. The places where you are more likely to encounter disciplined, moral and useful people are closed. So I never condemn or demean anyone for using apps. I just believe they allow people to be more deceptive and they take away uniqueness and humanity. The current stresses may play into the hands of players.

If used in a precise manner apps can be useful but I suspect that we put too much trust in the apps and relax our critical analysis skills.

Strange times require us to adapt and overcome. I have to accept that 30% of married couples met online and apps are the future and seem to be the only resort during the lock downs aside from arranged meetings through family and friends. One thing we never discard is keeping ourselves as a priority and protecting ourselves. Our individual wellness and happiness is needed to be able to make humanity well.

Blossom

When I was a teenager I used to hang out with two family friends. One was about 16 will call her Ebony the other was about 12, I will cal her Blossom.

The two of the were like sisters though the were technically sisters in-law. Blossom looked up to Ebony. You could see that she was studying, mimicking and dressing like the Ebony. Her real older sister was in her 30s, educated and very financially successful. Honestly Ebony was not a good influence on Blossom as she was, lets say heavy into boys and discussed with Blossom things that were past her years. Ebony also had a mature body while Blossom was not going to form in a similar way. It was obvious she was insecure about her appearance and especially in the presence of Ebony.

Eventually Ebony moved away, became a single mom and I haven’t heard from her in over a decade. I only heard about her and there wasn’t much good to really report sadly.

Blossom I assume kept that insecurity about her appearance. Even thought she was a beautiful person. She educated herself and got a high paying profession but the insecurity made her vulnerable. She would discuss getting implants and things of that nature. Eventually she had a boyfriend of her own. Coupled with her insecurity and his immorality it became a bad combination.

The boyfriend was an aspiring musician and model. Putting those things together you understand that this is a person who doe not plan on working. He also had a child from a prior relationship. She bought him a car and who knows what else. Her only concern was gaining his validation and companionship. Her relationship as dysfunctional as it was gave her a indication that she was worthy. That she was physically desirable contrary to the doubts she had about her appearance throughout her teens.

Eventually she got pregnant and had a child for the musician/model. He went on to impregnate another woman while they were together. She still stayed with him. Ultimately I assume they split, as I saw him with different women about two years later.

I felt so bad for Blossom. Were all seeking validation and sometimes we seek it in places that lead to our suffering. This is why we must love ourselves, know ourselves and be truthful with ourselves. If that is not possible we must at least have a clear understanding of the intent of our significant others. A serious vetting process is required. A series of poor decisions, decisions during a vulnerable time can cost us dearly. Now Blossom is a single mother but fortunately for her, she has a supportive family and a well paying profession. Unfortunately she will have to deal with the father for the rest of her life. Sometimes its not love that we feel but the desire to fill a void that was put there by trauma.

I haven’t seen her in years but I hope she fills herself with love, confidence, knowledge, and beauty. She has a child that now depends on her relaying the hard lessons.

Featured image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_flower_with_morning_dew_in_grass.jpg

Under the Influencers

I have not been writing much. Writing outside of academia is a thing based upon inspiration. I now understand why my uncle has been writing a book for 30 years and no one has yet read it. Couple that with the corona virus and the election and the protests, the mind gets a little jostled. I’ve been trying to write this singular post for four days. Now I think I know what the universe is trying to tell me.

I don’t belive in interpreting dreams but I believe they are our subconscious working like a program in the background of our computer. When we stop actively using the computer the resources get freed up and that background program can get more done.

So the other day I had a dream that I was working back at a retail position I had during college, but I was attending Harvard instead of my actual college in the dream. When I went to use the restroom at Harvard in the dream it was filthy and disgusting. I was shocked to see such a prestigious institution with such a unkempt facility.

In my life there are times when I have downplayed myself, and engaged in behaviors that were unbecoming of the person who I have the potential to become. Most times I did this to gain social approval or acceptance from friends and, acquaintances and even strangers. I definitely was taught better and was aware that there was a better way but at the time I was laser focused on the goal of acceptance.

Social media, movies, television, music, news, podcasts, vlogs, blogs, churches, educators, cults, friends, family etc. All these people have a goal or agenda. We have to choose wisely who we listen to and associate with. As we will overtly or subconsciously will modify our behavior to  gain their acceptance. These modifications in some instances may delay or utterly destroy us. So we owe it to ourselves to live up to the standard that will make us realize the dream of who we are destined to be.

Cut out the negativity, cut out the destruction, cut out the addiction, cut out the laziness. Cut out the people associated with indiscipline, ignorance and stagnation.

 

Featured image by: Jeff Kubina https://www.flickr.com/photos/kubina/152730867

Valentine’s PavLov(e)

I am writing this as valentines day approaches. I happened on a article in a magazine where a comedian wrote a serious(I believe it was serious) article about self-love and enjoying Valentines day by herself. In short, she took the day to pamper herself at the spa and take herself out. I thought this was genius. I also though it should be done more times than on Valentines Day.

Why do we put so much thought and energy into these dates? If you are religious then Valentines Day doesn’t show up on your calendar. If you are spiritual it may not show up on your calendar. If you are agnostic or atheist you tell me, I assume it doesn’t have any value either.

These dates such as Black Friday, Presidents Day, Valentines Day, Mothers Day, and Fathers Day have no religious, cultural or practical origin that I am aware of. They have evolved as ultimately drivers of the consumer based economy. I am not insulated from this as I spend(waste) oodles of hard earned dollars on sentimental gifts I could have used to pay own my debts.

In a materialistic/consumerist environment society pressures you and guilt trips you into compliance. The network of people around you have already drank the proverbial kool-aid and the are doing to make you a kool-aid drinker buy force if necessary. The echo chamber of indoctrination can be so loud and strong that we loose sight of the meaning and purpose behind the things we do. We are so afraid of being ostracized.

There’s a thing called the Pavlov’s Dog study. Google would explain it better than I, but in effect it shows how the mind can be programmed through acts of repetition. Not to be insulting but we function similarly to Pavlo’s dog.

This Valentine’s season and maybe going forward we should not be down on ourselves that things are not romantically where we would like. Instead we ca try to think about how we can be good to ourselves like the comedian in the magazine. Ultimately the depression we may feel is a result of programming.

Patiently working

There used to be an advertisement on television that said “Wait is a four letter word.” It was funny and indicated the fact that we don’t like to wait for anything we want. Just look at all of the ways we can order products and food and even home repairs these days. Things happen more rapidly than ever.

In the case of relationships you may be single and waiting to meet that special person. It may seem as if it is taking forever to get to happiness(I hope). Things seem to take longer when you are not busy and only focusing on waiting. So I suggest while you are waiting don’t patiently wait, patiently work towards your own self development and on creating a environment and self more suited to your liking.

Are we defined by the people we are in a relationship with? The answer to that is different for each person. When people speak of us do they speak of us as an accessory to our mate or are we our own person? When we get into a relationship do we cease to be an individual? Are we now just a soup of two people? That may be romantic to some of us.

I will not answer any of those musings but I will suggest that we keep moving forward and in that process meet the traveler that is on a congruent path.

 

Featured Image by: Skeeze https://pixabay.com/photos/construction-worker-building-job-642631/

Be somebody, be yourself.

It almost goes without saying. You can’t be reborn so your stuck. We just have to be ourselves. Still we can read many report on how people get depressed while browsing social media. At its core is their FOMO and false belief that the people they viewing are actually happier than they are in actuality.

If you think about it, people smile for pictures. When you get fired or dumped you don’t take a selfie of yourself crying. So we don’t get a complete view of a person’s life. We only get to see the part that they present to us. So to envy them is to envy that short second where they forced a smile for the picture, maybe only in hopes that people will like it to make them feel a little better.

Additionally many people believe that being in a relationship is a panacea. All their problems will be solved and they will be happy if they just meet that right person. Those who have recently found religion or converted or gotten “saved” are eventually taught that their new found system of belief requires work and at times more sacrifices than their previous life.

A relationship is work.

I gave that statement its own paragraph so that it would stand out. As its hard to believe this based on the endings of every ROMCOM, holiday cards, facebook, instagram and linked in post. A relationship or marriage is a commitment to work and stay in the organization irrespective of changing conditions. That means no escaping, only working.

I read many posts online on social media of women who strongly desire to be married. They are so focused on this goal that they do not take the time to develop themselves. The example I could give is imagine a younger Oprah who spent her time browsing social media, complaining how terrible men are, simultaneously being love sick and possibly having a on-off relationship with some guy who is really no good for her. So this theoretical younger Oprah never takes he time to look into herself and develop her talents and passions, never reaches the point of a millionaire, a philanthropist, and inspiration, a billionaire.

You don’d have to be in a relationship to be somebody. You are already someone very special, very important and full of unlimited potential. waiting on someone to give you legitimacy is a very dangerous approach. You maybe waiting until never or you could be easily deceived. Be yourself and be the best you that you can be, you deserve the best. Be you.

 

Featured image by: Wikipedia, Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson