Category: Dating

Secret Agency

The word “Agency” as defined by Bing, actually one of the alternate definitions, is “A department or body providing a specific service for a government or similar organization.” We have bodies, check. We provide a variety of services in life, ok, well check that one too. We work for the government, some of us do but not everyone so we wont check that one. So we have two out of three.

Some of us are using our bodies to provide a specific service to a person in secret. That by definition would make us a, secret agent.

I would like to use a cultural reference film to embody a powerful female agent that is on the level of James Bond but I cant think of one. Lets say that you are that secret agent carrying out missions to save the world that no one will ever know about. Wouldn’t that suck?

I mean, you risk your life for people that would never know or appreciate your contribution to their freedom and happiness. There are no medals, no ceremonies and when you die on a mission they pit you in an unmarked grave. Just maybe 30 years later after documents are declassified, someone may mention you in an article, but by then you will be dead and what use is a pat on the back then?

When you meet a guy, it goes without saying that there is a vetting process. At times we may want to keep people out of our business. That gives us the comfort of not being judged and no one likes to be told they are wrong. That is totally understandable but running from correction may cause you to run in the wrong direction.

Friends and family are not there to just cheer on everything we do. They are there to also guide us and help us make the best life choices. If they are truly altruistic in their concern for your well-being. A friend that cheers you on in everything even when you choose to lets say, smoke crack, is not your friend. The one that says, don’t you dare smoke that crack are you stupid, is a good friend, though they could be less harsh with the language you know it is because they care.

The understanding of being a “side-chick” or “jump-off” or whatever more glamorous or comfortable term you choose, is one of a secret agent. The understanding is that your contributions will not be recognized, there will be no ceremonies and if you die on a mission, you may be put in an unmarked grave.

Always, always introduce someone you are dating to people in your social circle that are good judges of character. They may say what re you doing with that guy are you stupid, but don’t overreact. Listen to their reasoning, whether it makes sense and whether you have made an oversight.

I don’t want to scare anyone but I recently read an article about a young woman who met a guy on an app(I’m against apps) face to face at a park. She went missing for about 20 days, and they were able to locate her killer via her phone records. All they found of her were burnt remains. So again, I say, always, always introduce your friends to someone you are dating and if you are meeting someone for the first time I would add that you should have a friend with you.

 

Cute shoes

The other day I went to a discount store looking for shoes to wear to work. I barely remember what pair I was using as my go-to throw-on pair. Ultimately I needed a new pair of corporate casual dogs.

The style was a low cut boot made of leather(sorry vegans). They had a manufactured scuffed finish to them. I thought they were suited for business but edgy enough not to be considered formal attire. So I looked inside to see if they were my size, and they were a half size bigger than my foot. Its for work so I said who am I trying to convince that I have small feet, I am going to get these shoes because I think they are cute on me.

So I purchased them without trying tem on as they were already a size bigger, I dont need to try them on. Next day I start wearing the shoes. I sit at my desk for 10 hours so they barely got much testing aside from getting from my building to my car, and from my car to my office. So for the first week everything was fine.

The second week the left shoe started to feel hot. So I would take it off for a bit while at my desk. The third week it started giving me constant pain on my ring toe(I don’t know the toe nomenclature). I knew the shoes were tight, and uncomfortable but I kept wearing them for another month. They looked good and I couldn’t return them at this point so I decided to stick it out.

Then one day God sent an angel who decided to gift me a new pair of sneakers. They were unprofessional, they were like no sneaker I would usually wear as I mostly wore Converse styled sneakers, but oh my they were comfortable!

I felt as if I was walking on pillows. Maybe not pillows but maybe a hard mattress. Not like walking on alligator teeth like the last pair.

Many of us suffer in terrible relationships. Romantic and plutonic. They cause us so much pain and strife but we continue to punish ourselves because we are more concerned with how things appear or what we believe is expected of us. This is self inflicted torture ands a masochistic , loco way of behaving. I’d go as far as to say it is suicide as hardship is directly associated with shortened life span and poor health.

Don’t wait until 14 days. Send those shoes or people or whatever back to where they came from. You are not here to torture yourself to keep up appearances.

Pass past.

Pass and past. Those words are used interchangeably. If I spoke a foreign language, I might find English to be very difficult to learn. Pass is a verb and past is a preposition. Still people say for instance, [get past] something as if its a verb. I failed English so badly that I had to take summer classes so I may be off.  That’s enough of that for now.

Now that we are over my terrible and misleading English discussion we can get back to the real world where we don’t speak proper English.

Online I have noticed many articles on how to rekindle a relationship with an ex. There are a few reasons why someone would do so. Desperation, loneliness, familiarity, depression, or they were the wrong doer. It is rare that someone admits that they are the wrong doer so in the majority of cases someone wants their ex back because they are at a low point. Whether you are the wronged or the wrongdoer I would never advise getting back with your ex. One of you or both had a legitimate reason for your breakup, you guys are just forgetting how terrible things were. The hurt that caused the rift has scarred both parties and will come up again when there are arguments in the new relationship.

Disagreements are inevitable and even if not vocalized or expressed the scars are still there from the past. Decisions should be made from a place of clarity and hopefully of strength. People have to be assessed as if you are reading their resume. If an employee stole from your business and you fired them, would you rehire them. Probably not. You have other applicants seeking to work for you who are willing to prove themselves.

I say get past your past, or is it pass up your past. Pass up your past. Let the past pass. Let the past stay in the past. I see now, you have to use some type of modifier to change past from a preposition to a verb. Anyways, look forward with clarity, and check their resume. If you are the wrongdoer then the ball is in their court but expect some distrust.

Looking without seeking

There is a classic 1970s movie starring Bruce Lee called Enter The Dragon. In it he is called by the British secret police to take down a drug kingpin. That’s all fine and dandy but the most relatable part is when a Scottish martial arts practitioner asks him “What’s your style.” to which Bruce replies “You can call it the art of fighting without fighting.” What I too that to mean is Bruce’s style is to always be prepared for a fight but to not go looking for one. I base that on martial arts teachers always saying it is to be used for self defense and the first resort of a martial arts practitioner is peace, or wisdom or something intellectual, I forget.

I realize I chose a terrible name for this blog, as the word Find infers intent seeking. While the majority(about 75%) of my recommendations are preparation for the time you are found. The other 25% is where I hate double standards and believe that women should approach men just like the other way around. Ultimately we have a lot of way to go to remove stigmas and dangers to such an undertaking so ultimately we have to for now stay in the 75% Victorian era repressive(unfortunately) area. Maybe someone will write a blog that will address how to handle this double standard safe zone.

Seeking implies desperation and desperation attracts predators. Like the crocodiles that wait by the water for the thirsty zebra or wildebeest or even a lion to stop by for a sip. The snap! Lion a la carte.

As I said in a previous posing, clubs and bars are not the right places, they are the worst, next to prison I guess. In a more recent post I posit that big cities are not ideal but that’s not a hardline statement as you can be in the right places where you will attract a more humanitarian city dweller.

Being in the right places and using discernment is the practice of looking without seeking. That is my style.

Full disclosure

There are animals in existence that are fully translucent. Most of them live in the deepest parts of the ocean where the sun light does not penetrate. The environments that we have to endure living on dry land expose us to significantly high levels of light beams. I guess that is why we have skin to protect our precious inner organs from cooking.

Similarly sharing too much information can put you in an exposed condition. Information has to be shared with an idea of how the recipient will process it. Even a recipient that pretends to be receptive to information may only be feigning interest in order to have something to use against you. This is why there is such a thing as doctor and lawyer restrictions on what they will share about their patient or client. It’s privileged information, so you have to be worthy of it. The 5th amendment of the US constitution also gives you the right to not self incriminate.

In the extreme you have a moral if not at least legal responsibility to declare to a sexual partner whether you carry transmittable STIs/STDs. For proof see Usher, R Kelly and Charlie Sheen.

What I am ultimately encouraging the silence on is whether you tolerated bad treatment from an ex. For the most part you should not discuss your ex with the person you are now interested. We all would like to believe we are progressive, unbiased and open minded but we are not. We all have a relative limit. The past is a place you do not live anymore. You learn from the past but do not dwell on it and certainly do not have your new love interest dwell on it by retelling that story.

 

Business is personal

Thanks to credit cards and predatory lending, we almost never have an instance where we are without some form of capital. As a result the majority of us are carrying some form of debt. It’s as much a part of life as taxes, and death.

Some lucky people take a job at any, or no pay just for the joy of doing the work. While most of us take a job with heavy interest in the compensation, because we have all those debts mentioned a while ago, bills and wants to pay for.

A significant amount of marriages fail over finances. I don’t have the exact statistic but I heard something in the 65% range. Once I heard a pastor say sex was the cause of the failure of 75% of marriages but I find that very hard to believe unless the sex was extramarital. Anyhow, money is a significant part of a relationship.

Its difficult if not weird to flat out asked someone how much money and debt they have when you start dating but the answer has to be investigated. This in not gold digging, this is an attempt to determine if your fiscal habits are compatible and whether you will be helping each other or hindering.

Does this person have a job, do they have marketable skills or talents(realistically), o they have a chemical dependency, do they have an expensive hobby, do they have a YOLO attitude towards money? These things can be observed without a direct question about their assets.

They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Additionally someone who is foolish with money will be a burden and tear apart a relationship.

What you allow will continue.

You, you, you, you. Its really all about you. That is the only person that you have complete control of.

We expect a variety things from our family, friends, partners, strangers and the government. That is based on the structures in society regarding politeness, etiquette, chivalry, legality and other factors. Those cooperative behaviors help us feel more secure.

The unfortunate side of this system is that we feel entitled to certain treatment just for existing. Which sets us up for disappointment. In the wild you have to kill your own food and it is survival of the fittest. The consolation to disappointment from an external source is the reminder that you only have control of yourself. Therefore everything we put in the hands of something or someone is risking that they will handle our trust in the manner we expected or better yet agreed.

Disappointment is a guaranteed part of life but it can be minimized by:

1 – Determining whether you can achieve your intended goal on your own. If yes do so? If not see #2.

2 – Thoroughly evaluating who you are putting trust into. What is their gain? What is their motivation? What is their history? What are their current needs? What are their current problems? What are their morals or ethics? How do they treat people? If any of the above result in a negative answer relative to your interest, then with each negative the trust level should be diminished.

Trust is just a word to use as an example, it can be interchanged with nouns for anything of value. Things of little or no value are also important indicators. If someone cannot be relied upon for something small, that is scalable.

Now, in conclusion. If you allow someone with the negative ends of the above #2 characteristics to gain your trust then you will continue to be dissed, dissatisfied, dismissed, disregarded, disturbed in addition to being disappointed.

Sub and or Pop Cultures

They say youth is wasted on the young and I agree. Also as many of us are living an extended youth mindset we can be considered to be wasting our whole lives. Traditionally(the main part of my perspective) each stage of life is supposed to give its own prestige, greater understanding, increased wisdom, increased discipline, increased classiness, and just overall increased coolness. These increases come with a full understanding of, and setting ones self apart from the previous stage that was just upgraded. That is speaking traditional…1950s, skip backwards over the industrial age to the Victorian era, skip over colonial times back to Feudalism. I skipped be cause the transition periods in between, involved growing pains that threw a lot of traditional behavior out to make space for massive growth.

Get to the point already, right. Basically don’t be a weirdo. I was trying not to be offensive but I am trying to help. Being different is a natural occurrence and we have to love ourselves the way we are made. Other differences are not innate or natural and are manifestations of our attempts to self-medicate our inner issues.

One thing I have recently learned is to NEVER make a permanent decision in response to a temporary issue. Suicide is at the most extreme end of this statement. Close to suicide is drug abuse in its many forms. Not so much, but still bad are negative thoughts about yourself. Many negative thoughts can be attributed to not accepting oneself, so that’s why it is so important to know that you are…important.

Now how does all of that relate to Pop and Sub culture. Pop culture and sub culture are the same things, momentary. So you cant make a permanent decision around a temporary thing as stated before. Look what happened to the tramp stamp of the late 1990s? As you grow you may not want to date yourself based on a pop culture or subculture permanent mark.

If you ask yourself whether a decision I am going to make will be ok five years later looking back, then you are probably safe. Even if you are in a bad space emotionally or otherwise, that is a temporary condition, believe me. If you are in a great place that can potentially be temporary as I’m sure the tramp stamp was fun for the first three years but that was not part of a five year plan. Fads come and go so often that I won’t get into specifics, as we all have to analyze what we can live with and we always have to live with ourselves.

Escape from NY, LA, Miami, Austin…

There was a movie in the 90s, I think it was called Escape from New York which was the sequel to Escape from LA. Or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow, it was a post-apocalyptic film where everything is burning, perpetual night, and scarce resources.

Previously I spoke about the perils of dating applications. The sheer large number of humanity on those platforms, diminishes individual peoples value in others eyes. If we could see the people of our gender competing with us on the app, we might devalue ourselves also. What typically takes palace is in effect speed dating and the safety of the internet brings out the weirdest kind of people.

Similarly, big cities are huge outdoor dating apps. Millions of competitors vying for attention and other scare resources. Many want to be civilized but the lawless reign supreme as they follow no rules or ethos. We walk past and sometimes step over homeless human beings because we see them every day. We eventually resolve that we are busy in our city life and or this person is just trying to hustle to feed their habit. Total emotional disassociation. Is that a place we want to find a nurturing mate?

Living in a big city is not helpful for a lasting relationship. They are the worst. Too much competition. Rural and suburban areas are more family oriented and communal. Of course there are exceptions and we can tell by listening to country music, that rural life is not perfect, but there is a grand canyon between instability in rural areas and massive instability in the urban area.

Nothing is absolute, but if you think about it life in the city is crazy. The sooner you can escape, the better.

Are you in a good place.

Responsibility can be a curse word at times. Adulting is not exactly what we expected during our childhood. Experiencing a sheltered childhood makes adulting more difficult than a unsheltered(difficult) one. In either instance, coming into ones own adds many variables that we now are responsible for.

Historically, religion, culture and social constructs have dictated to us on the ways we are to operate. Many of those antiquated traditional guidelines still provide us with a great autopilot/cruise control in some situations. In other situations, they are not effective because they have not been translated to modern environmental factors. Factors such as psychological advertising, marketing, social media hashtag trends, cable television, psychiatry, urban concrete jungles, fast food and legalized marijuana. Most importantly they are not translatable to the liberation of women, and women’s struggle for equality in our communities.

Stick a pin in the realization that some of the thousand your old traditions don’t work like a Swiss army knife. We can still find uses for, yoga, meditation, holistic medicine, and a few other practices that function independent of a patriarchy.

I am not a religious expert, and less than a novice but I would assume that the polytheistic and eastern religions provide more practical uses than the big three(Christianity, Judaism, Islam).

As English is the worldwide language of business, along with that, Christianity(and the big three) is/are the basis of word religion. Directly that means patriarchy is the dominant culture worldwide.  Duuhhh right?

Midway conclusion is that our old tried and true religions are not always fit for our present dilemas. For the purpose of this blog in our modern courtship rituals they are mostly innefective. Yoga pants will get you attention but not necessarily sustainable attention. Nor do I belive there were such things as yoga pants 2000 years ago.

The question of whether you are in a good place is tied to your living conditions, diet, health, comfort, sleep, state of mind, career, debt, etc. Don’t get overwhelmed. We have to wear many hats to get what we need out of life.

Dating or being in a relation ship with another person now increases that responsibility to keep it all together. Therefore it is ill advised to start either while you are unprepared in your solitary situation.

We at times seek to escape out difficult circumstances using entertainment, vacations, medication, sex, food and you name it. But those just temporarily suppress symptoms. What is needed is actual solutions, actual cures, actual change to eliminate the need to escape or tolerate a poor quality of life.

Some examples would be, a financial advisor, a physical trainer, a psychologist, a nutritionist, a headhunter, even a real estate agent. People that can set you in the direction of self sustainability.

As my scope of work is in meeting the right person and not theology, yoga, nutrition, physical training, etc. I will conclude by saying that it is most important to take your time to have peace with yourself before hitching on to someone else’s wagon. That wagon may come with its own baggage, and being well will allow you to avoid or if you choose handle their baggage. Hopefully the former.