Category: morals

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

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Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

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