Category: culture

Dating post lockdowns

I have not had a blog entry in months, maybe a few years. The lockdowns and covid restrictions forced everyone still dating to go full digital-which I traditionally and still advise against. Amazon’s record profits is a barometer of how much we went digital. Zoom’s rocketing to sucess was an additional indicator.

Now in 2023 some restrictions have been removed and concerts are being held, churches are holding service, libraries are open there is a measured return to normalcy. Still we have all been scarred by the changes in society. We are not the same people who went into the pandemic in 2019.

Mental health issues have risen including depression and drug abuse. People were already drifting away from traditional values, and the digital immersion of the past three years precipitated that. Individualism and selfishness I would say have also increased as many of us were in survival mode.

My only takeaway that I can share would be that a lot of healing is needed to not only regain normalcy and it will be required to be more selective as the pool of balanced, same, fair people has gotten smaller. At least for the next few years but who knows what those will bring as we are supposedly now entering into wars and economic downturn.

He won’t change

Do I really need to write anything under this heading? Looking at the amount of toxic and dysfunctional relationships out there I think it is necessary. I am pretty sure I touched on this topic many times. I often sound like a broke record, but many times I have disappointed myself by behaving in ways contrary to my understanding, but forgetting what I understood.

I am no developmental psychologist but in my opinion it is relatively impossible to change a person moral compass after around 13 years old. Additionally if their social group has a particular direction, that is a great indicator of their direction. As we are molded by and seek approval from our social circle. In rare occasions people may change as a result of a traumatic event but as long as things are going relatively well they will remain the same.

So here you appear after many years of development, grooming, indoctrination, education and training. You may really like this person’s appearance or something other than their behavior/attitude. You have convinced(really deluded) yourself in believing you can bring them around to seeing things your way. This is highly unlikely to happen. What is more likely is disagreement, stress, disappointment, depression and grief.

Some people can be very deceptive. They can read you and determine what to say to appear to be in alignment with your ideals while still holding on to their contrary ideals. They may engage in multiple methods of manipulation. Only time and observation can show a consistent behavior. I cant put an exact number on a time span but I would guess 3-4 months should be long enough to gauge a person’s character. So it is important not to invest yourself physically, financially or time wise to a point where waste your time or allow damage to yourself emotionally or otherwise until you have done a full evaluation. Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the fruitless task of changing someone or moving on.

We have a hard time changing our own bad habits. How is it that we expect to change another adult. I suggest you don’t.

Featured image: https://flic.kr/p/mNiJ32

Alien

Are we speaking the same language? Are we even from the same planet? Those are at times the questions we ask ourselves when we encounter people who we thought had an understanding of common sense. Ultimately we have to make a choice of whether we are going to be delusional and endure the frustration of constant miscommunication or move on.

In the world of science and technology there is always a reference point. A reference point allows you to measure distance, the level of completion of a chemical reaction and everything else you wish to quantify. Widely used references, I would call them standards. Standard is a bad word these days, similar to discipline, respect, responsibility. These words evoke feelings of embarrassment, insecurity, inadequacy and even patriarchy. Ultimately we set standards for ourselves in modern time as the old standards typically seem oppressive. This is unfortunate as they probably just need dusting off and remixing rather than a total dumping.

Parents, friends and social groups in general who truly want the best for you will encourage you to uphold and accept a standard from you romantic interest. People who do not care for you, wish you ill, or use you as gossip and entertainment will allow you to disrespect and destroy yourself.

Standards may be dictated by religion, geographic origin, and media/television/internet. Of course television and other media’s main goal is to get you to buy something. Putting you through multiple failed relationships gets you to spend more(We’ll explore that lengthy topic another time). Pop culture exhibited on television and subcultures that may not be so visible, put pressure on those living according to conventional/traditional standards. Pop culture causes FOMO(fear of missing out) but rarely shows the long term damage of unsustainable behaviors.

I somewhat strayed off topic, but I said all of that to indicate that some of us are living according to different standards. So different that it may seem we are speaking a different language. Having a guide may seem controlling but at times it is for your own protection. One can get so caught up in an alien way of things to the point they are lost. No longer what or who they thought they were.

Exploring other cultures is something you do on vacations or when reading a book or watching a film. It is not something you want to do with a life partner unless the tenets of that culture are in alignment with yours. It is not about xenophobia but about having a comfortable life where everyone understands what is expected of each other.

Photo Credit: https://flic.kr/p/77wKN

Covid app trap

I don’t know exactly how to approach the phenomena of the Coronavirus as it relates to dating. We are social animals and all desire companionship in some form. As communication via digital platforms is never a replacement for real in person interaction.

During a crisis I suspect most of us seek an immediate relief and a return to better days. If none seems within sight we may seek momentary escape via distractions, entertainment, drugs, alcohol, creativity, etc. I hope we all choose constructive destructions and outlets for our frustrations.

Strangely couples that live together are experiencing record levels of stress leading to separation. While single people are experiencing loneliness leading to stress. Neither condition should be envied. Couples may have someone that will help or harm them. Singles may need help or may be self sufficient.

Its is important to mention that mental health and addiction issues have increased among the population during the epidemic and resulting lock down. This is a time where we need to heal and take care of ourselves as individuals. One thing that can be taken from the current situation is that personal health contributes to overall health of the community and ultimately the world. Tapping into our faith and network of constructive people is very important now and always.

I said all of that to say the following: Do not allow stress, fear, anxiety, boredom and despair to put you into a position where you are not analytical of the person you have a romantic interest in. Do not allow the situation to cause you to self harm or engage in destructive behavior or companionship.

We are in a time of high unemployment, low worker participation, mass scamming and identity/financial theft. The exposing of the curruption of prominent people has given encouragement to some to live lives of dishonesty. You have to determine who is genuine and worthy of your time.

As I have written previously, I despise dating apps. Due to the the lock downs the libraries, museums, colleges, offices, even churches are closed. The places where you are more likely to encounter disciplined, moral and useful people are closed. So I never condemn or demean anyone for using apps. I just believe they allow people to be more deceptive and they take away uniqueness and humanity. The current stresses may play into the hands of players.

If used in a precise manner apps can be useful but I suspect that we put too much trust in the apps and relax our critical analysis skills.

Strange times require us to adapt and overcome. I have to accept that 30% of married couples met online and apps are the future and seem to be the only resort during the lock downs aside from arranged meetings through family and friends. One thing we never discard is keeping ourselves as a priority and protecting ourselves. Our individual wellness and happiness is needed to be able to make humanity well.

Blossom

When I was a teenager I used to hang out with two family friends. One was about 16 will call her Ebony the other was about 12, I will cal her Blossom.

The two of the were like sisters though the were technically sisters in-law. Blossom looked up to Ebony. You could see that she was studying, mimicking and dressing like the Ebony. Her real older sister was in her 30s, educated and very financially successful. Honestly Ebony was not a good influence on Blossom as she was, lets say heavy into boys and discussed with Blossom things that were past her years. Ebony also had a mature body while Blossom was not going to form in a similar way. It was obvious she was insecure about her appearance and especially in the presence of Ebony.

Eventually Ebony moved away, became a single mom and I haven’t heard from her in over a decade. I only heard about her and there wasn’t much good to really report sadly.

Blossom I assume kept that insecurity about her appearance. Even thought she was a beautiful person. She educated herself and got a high paying profession but the insecurity made her vulnerable. She would discuss getting implants and things of that nature. Eventually she had a boyfriend of her own. Coupled with her insecurity and his immorality it became a bad combination.

The boyfriend was an aspiring musician and model. Putting those things together you understand that this is a person who doe not plan on working. He also had a child from a prior relationship. She bought him a car and who knows what else. Her only concern was gaining his validation and companionship. Her relationship as dysfunctional as it was gave her a indication that she was worthy. That she was physically desirable contrary to the doubts she had about her appearance throughout her teens.

Eventually she got pregnant and had a child for the musician/model. He went on to impregnate another woman while they were together. She still stayed with him. Ultimately I assume they split, as I saw him with different women about two years later.

I felt so bad for Blossom. Were all seeking validation and sometimes we seek it in places that lead to our suffering. This is why we must love ourselves, know ourselves and be truthful with ourselves. If that is not possible we must at least have a clear understanding of the intent of our significant others. A serious vetting process is required. A series of poor decisions, decisions during a vulnerable time can cost us dearly. Now Blossom is a single mother but fortunately for her, she has a supportive family and a well paying profession. Unfortunately she will have to deal with the father for the rest of her life. Sometimes its not love that we feel but the desire to fill a void that was put there by trauma.

I haven’t seen her in years but I hope she fills herself with love, confidence, knowledge, and beauty. She has a child that now depends on her relaying the hard lessons.

Featured image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue_flower_with_morning_dew_in_grass.jpg

30% Ignored

If I told you 16% of the US population had no health insurance in 2007 would that number of people deserve attention? Politicians thought so and we are still discussing the uninsured now even though its been cut to under 9%. Now if I told you approximately 25% of the population of the US ceceeded causing the Civil War. Would you say that’s a significant number of people who deserved attention and consideration? Abraham Lincoln apparently believed those people needed some serious attention.

Recently I watched a documentary series in Netflix called “Explained.” They had an episode discussing monogamy and whether it was natural. The answer is no it is not natural and especially in the case of men. Additionally approximately 30% of people in a monogamous relationship want to see multiple people. For the majority I believe this episode states the obvious. If it was not obvious it hopefully helps some of those who invest so much into a person’s expected fidelity that news of their infidelity tears them apart.

The only person who we can know completely is our self. We owe it to ourselves to be honest to ourselves. It is difficult to be 100% honest or vulnerable as we may fear being chastised or punished by others. Honesty gets compromised when there is a selfless interest involved.

In a raw example. A person who falls into the 30% mentioned above may enjoy you physically but they may also welcome a endorphin release from a physical interaction with another person or other people. Their brain did not chemically reprogram when they met you. Social constructs dictated that they conform to an over fidelity. Therefore to avoid persecution they covertly engage in an endorphin release with someone else.

So in conclusion. If you expect your spouse to suppress their chemical and animal nature they must subscribe to a social, moral, religious, philosophical system that keeps them inline with your expectations. Without much thought  easily that would fall into the Judo-Christian religions. Still that is no guarantee, as we are aware of the many stories of infidelity and/or  sexual hypocrisy of the highest priests, pastors, preachers and deacons etc. It takes a lot of observation and studying to figure out if someone has a high or low probability of infidelity not just their overt morals. The takeaway from this discussion is not to invest your sanity in your partners fidelity. There’s a 1 in 3 chance they have a wondering eye.

 

 

Featured photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gageskidmore/23943126089

 

Sick doctor

We most of the time, with sufficient consideration know what is the best thing to do. Somehow we find a way to end up not doing the best thing. It may be that we enjoy things that cause dysfunction or we are not observant of the relation between cause and effect. Maybe we feel dispair and don’t want to execute the solution.

Most things are easier said than done. Some people say talk is cheap. Talk is cheap but it might be more valuable than thoughts that are never vocalised or recorded. Speaking thoughts or writing them gives them a physical presence. For instance this blog. I could have kept my thoughts to myself, and that would probably be best for the world but for me it is therapy. When I read my old posts, I find things I had forgotten which I wanted at the time to remember. My past self is essentially teaching my present self. If I never wrote these thoughts down, I could have spoken them to someone and they may remember, or not, then the apiffany would be lost.

I’m getting off topic. Basically theory is easier than practice. We know what we must do but end up not doing what is necessary. You might encounter a doctor who smokes cigarettes or has a poor diet. They are on the front line of the causes, symptoms and results of poor choices. They have the most knowledge but in practice do not follow the theory.

How awesome and proud would we be if we resisted temptation, explored opportunity, developed our skills, mind, body, spirit and environment? All it requires is a first step and a focus on the person you dream yourself to be.

Nothing is absolute. There will be things to attempt to distract, dissuade and disappoint you but if we as much as possible live up to the standard we set for ourselves we will average on the up side in the limited time we have on this plane.

Bad company

We are social beings right? Even before Myspace-if you are too young to know what Myspace is ask your parents.

The creatures we call animals, operate according to their own social order likewise. Unfortunately we designed cellphones to fit opposable thumbs so the animals are not yet able to sign up for Instagram. Ultimately socializing is as old as life on the planet and we mostly choose to get together with like-minded individuals. These can be human or otherwise-a lot of people have proven that your dog might be a better friend that a large segment of the human population.

Choosing to only make acquaintance with like minded people makes you feel great. You agree, you relate and probably have a heap of fun together. Though fun, this association can be destructive, especially if you are already destructive. Also, if your acquaintance is not necessarily like-minded but practices enabling your destructive habits. Figuratively it is like a friend that sees you are on fire and throws gasoline on you.

They may have an interest or dependency on the fact that you are screwed up, or they may be oblivious, or maybe they are not your friend at all but you think that they are.

The human need to be in a group is beneficial in may ways. We can develop things, share information, heal, entertain, defend, teach, the list continues. So it’s important not only to keep the council of people that only say yes but we also need the council of people that tell us NO! I touched upon this in a prior posting but it is a thought that needs to be repeated.

Instagram and Facebook have option where you can continue to be a friend to someone but mute their postings. I have done this with people who constantly post disrespectful, tasteless, raunchy, detracting, violent and just dumb content. If they mix it(crap) up with mostly something edifying, uplifting, encouraging, entrepreneurial, enlightening then I don’t mind.

Stay away from destructive persons and those that enable destruction. They may be in misery and want you to join them. They may enjoy gossip so thoroughly that they would revel in you having drama or it would make them feel better about themselves to see you brought low. Analyze whether they have verifiable experience or knowledge of what they are encouraging you to do.

Friends, family, television, movies, social media, billboards, music, artists, horoscopes, palm-readers, fortune tellers, celebrities, government all want something from us. They all do things to get us to behave a certain way, give our time, give our money, give our lives, give our souls to their specific relative agenda. Therefore we have to be careful and reject the poison and take the medicine.

Is he using you for sex?

If you have to ask the above question you should assume that he is.

This is not to cause you to get angry and lash out emotionally. as your emotions are clouding your judgment to begin with. The correct response is to make him wait before having sex or if you have already had sex now you must evaluate what you seek from the relationship.

Physical programming causes most of us to want to have sex. It only lasts for a few minutes or seconds, but can create a mountain of problems.

Do not confuse great pleasure for love and do not expect to have the same response reciprocated.

If you have not yet had sex you are in the best position. Though it may seem archaic, and victiran to make him wait, it is for your own good. These old traditions were not put in place willy-nilly. So stay away from his willy. Spend quality time doing all the things you would do if there was no sexual energy. If he is easily irritable or ghosts you before reaching 4 months of dating and waiting, then his motivation was primarily physical programming or James Bond culture.

On the other hand if you just want to hook up, you have just wasted your time reading this. Just don’t expect to develop something greater. It is not impossible but he is more likely to maintain a relationship with you for the constant supply of sex and not for many other things. If you are just hooking up make yourself clear from the beginning. You should definitely know the person’s health status and exercise contraception via condoms and birth control in an extended understanding. you should also not keep your association with this person a secret totally as you want to know that you are safe and if anything happens to you, they can be found.

If you have had sex it puts you in a difficult place to now negotiate terms. Don’t feel bad its part of nature’s programming. watch a nature show for once. It will be difficult but not impossible. the first thing is to not delude yourself while not being cynical. Ask him what do you see in your future, does he see you being together for one, two, three, years, or forever? If the response is, I don’t know, or, lets see how it goes, or were just having fun, or were just getting…. Thats an indicator that there is no plan for longevity.  You can test him by saying it happened too fast and you want to wait, and not have sex again for months.  You also have a choice to end it there, right now. you may be waiting for a long term relationship that may never happen and you have just sex, food and events. How much time do you have to spend is what you should ask yourself. Do you want the same things is also an important question.

If you go back to my post on dating apps you will see that the world has changed. everything is on-demand. If you choose not to participate in the indiscipline of our current times then you yourself must be disciplined and read the signs that are clear without getting clouded by emotion or desire. Life can be hard but if you make the hard decisions for your benefit, it works out in your favor.

Eastern Promises

Divorce in the United States occurs at a rate of something like 44%. This is for a variety of reasons. As mentioned before in a previous post, relationships have to be reinforced by the community. As much as we consider ourselves as individuals and unique, we are products of our environment. Our environment in the US promotes in our media that we should have multiple partners before settling down and to utilize divorce if you are unhappy, or cheat if you want to find some compromise.

According to a 2015 Washington Post article, divorce among those in the Indian community is between 1% to 15%. Also according to a 1993 study by Pang Linlin the divorce rate in china is between 5% to 8%. This is because the culture of those countries in regards to relationships is to find one and make it work.

My first post on this site recommended that women find themselves a man that is not too intellectually capable. The above information throws that out the window when you go outside of the American pool of men. As is already evident via silicon valley Asian men(India and China) are more committed at rates of up to 11 times more than American men.

In conclusion, it would be wise to entertain more Asian men. Strangely a report produced by the dating site OKCipid showed that Asian men were on the undesirable end of the dating pool with Asian women. This is a mistake on the part of those women. This mistake can be capitalized upon by women all over the world who are subject to dealing with the promiscuity and infidelity of American, European and other Western cultured men.

In conclusion, and Asian man is a better partner in regards to commitment. Not discussed here they are also at the highest earners economically.