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Mess media

I have been taking a break from conventional social media. Specifically youtube and instagram. My instagram is about 80% people who I actually know, 5% strangers and 15% news media. On youtube I follow people who relay the news usually in a comical way and a few related to my field of work. I rarely use facebook as that is mostly comprised of crazy family members who I know too much about to be able to appreciate their online persona.

Overall social media is a bunch of people shouting at the same time and this creates a lot of noise in my head. I used to believe it made me more connected to happenings in the world and my social circle but I now appreciate the benefit of being in my own crazy thoughts. Music and television are another source of noise I am trying to reduce.

I used to believe that reading the newspapers was something that educated and thinking people do but the newspapers have become as trashy as the tabloids at the checkout counter. They are filled with opinions, biased viewpoints and many articles are sponsored by special interest groups or corporations. Its understandable. In a world filled with different forms of media and constant demands on your attention, companies have to compete aggressively to earn that attention. Unfortunately it has become a race to the bottom. Sex, violence, fear mongering, hyperbole, no stone is unturned to achieve shock value. Our level of tolerance just increases until it takes greater shock to get our attention.

Eventually this pushes us so far from where we sustainably and holistically should be and the people in our social circle may think we are mentally limited if we do not know the latest manufactured outrage story. Which is replaced by another outrage story every second.

I understand the butterfly effect and sincerely believe that we are all connected in some way. We all share this existence and have and effect on it, but I don’t need to know if a tree fell in the forest. I know that trees fall in the forest, but I don’t need a breaking news update every minute about it.

We are in the information age but the flood of information is useless for the most part. It is mostly click bait that adds nothing to our lives.

Additionally there is the gossip and reality tv spectrum of media. Where we see a push of negative images of women as catty, confrontational, antagonistic, cantankerous, hypocritical, consumerist and fickle.

Im not slut shaming when I say that we are marketed a paradoxical way of life where prominent celebrities gain their notoriety via selling their sexuality and less so their intellectual and artistic talents. The following are notable people associated with the sex industry at varied levels: Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Cardi B, Nene Leaks, Charlie Sheen, Howard Stern, Hanna Montana, Madonna etc. Some things we don’t need to know. The promote us to have dirty minds – as if we needed any help. What people do in private, or are interested in we do not need to know as long as it isn’t harmful or criminal. I mention this because its just more clickbait noise that is marketed to us.

Now that we have been bombarded by useless information, our minds become cluttered. Having a complete unadulterated thought now takes conscious effort. It may take meditation or isolation or fasting just to get back to who you truly are. So in conclusion it can be good to cut the cord from the 200 channels of cable, 10 social media platforms, 25 podcasts, 200 facebook friends, 100 instagram friends, 30 youtube channels, 150 phone contacts, 1000 unread emails, and dedicate your focus on yourself.

Let the scorpions drown

I really enjoy and relate to the story of the “Scorpion and The Frog.” Even though it is a children’s story it could have been a parable in religious text. You probably know the story or I have already referred to it in a previous post but here is the gist of it.

So a scorpion asks a frog to give him a ride across a river. The frog is hesitant but the scorpion convinces the frog that he will not sting. So the frog agrees and they start crossing the river. Midway, the scorpion stings the frog. Shocked, the frog asks why and reminds the scorpion that they will both drown. The scorpion says [I’m a scorpion, duhhhh.] I’m paraphrasing because by memory is like Dory from Finding Nemo but that’s basically how the story goes.

We all have people that we care dearly about and want to help but we know that they have a history of being ungrateful, destructive, indiscipline, and you can go on from there. Still we believe we can change them but showing them kindness or giving them our resources or opportunities. These people are scorpions and you are playing the role of a frog. Until their nature-their ethics and level of discipline changes they will continue to take, take and take. This change is not going to be achieved by your kindness as you are enabling, supporting and sustaining them in their current dysfunctional behavior. They have to be left alone to proverbially drown, if they survive they will be again proverbially baptized and hopefully come out as a better person.

We have seen it many times. Lets use the example of the rock stars who didn’t quit abusing substances until a tragic event happened to them. Suffering from your own destructive behaviors either ultimately destroys you or it opens your eyes to change. Those are the only two ways out unless a frog comes along to insulate that person from their karma. We can learn from experience or from example. Example is the safest and most efficient way to learn, but if you are not open to learning from example then you must experience.

This may relate to a variety of relationships, romantic and otherwise. Let the scorpions drown or they will keep stinging you because you are not learning from the bad examples and bad experiences they have been giving you.

Not a doctor or a magician

In the old Star Trek movies methinks from the 1970s, there was a doctor on the ship. When he was overwhelmed he would bark at the captain “I’m a doctor not a magician!” I think he meant that he was trained in medicine, not in giving people a superficial or illusion of a solution. Medicine requires a thorough assessment of a variety of variables. Many afflictions exhibit the symptoms of others and misdiagnosis could have no effect or even worsen the patients condition. A magician is also a highly trained profession but they are trying too fool your senses into believing something. That’s not a cure, its not even a ban aid. So a magician in effect uses a placebo placebo for every case.

Anyhow, we are not magiacians or doctors. Maybe you are actually, but imagine you are not then, humor me. So now we all aren’t doctors or magicians yay.

You can’t fix anyone, unless they want to be and since you are not a trained psychologist, your fixing may not be sustainable. I like that word sustainable, very holistic. Therefore you are wasting your resources(time) if you believe you can change an adult who has been enjoying being who they are. Additionally your attempt to point out their flaws can be received by their ego as an attack. Feeling attacked they may retaliate and/or dig deeper into the behavior you tried to help them correct. Unless they themselves see the error and sincerely want to change your efforts are futile(another star trek reference.)

This is not giving up on the person, and don’t let them guilt trip you into feeling badly. They must be allowed to come to the realization themselves, as they rebuffed your attempt to point it out or you may not have the know how. Although it is difficult, you have to save yourself or they might take you down with them. People love to see a train wreck and the proof is in the prevalence of trashy reality shows, celebrity news and social media. If they are a wreck, your stability, freedom, discipline even health may be offensive to them and they would enjoy seeing you brought low.

A better title would be “Don’t be a martyr” but I feel I may have used that title elsewhere. Yeah we remember some of the high profile martyrs, Joan of Arc, Jesus, MLK, Che, etc. Their deaths changed things for millions of people. Are you going to martyr yourself for one person who does not recognize that they need to, or do they want to be saved? Your close friends and family might remember what you sacrificed for that person, but is it worth the los of you resource(time) that will never return. You may have strong feelings for them, but how long will those feeling s last under unsustainable conditions. Be a hero to yourself, be a doctor to yourself, don’t be a magician to yourself. Definitely don’t be a martyr for someone who isn’t worth it.

Getting noticed

I really do not like double standards. I respect and appreciate equality. We are not all plying by the same rules, so I may be egalitarian while persons I must interact with may not. This is a fact to consider when trying to get noticed by someone you are interested in. As there are different social expectations on how men and women are to behave.

Intuitively we find ways of accomplishing getting noticed using subtle indicators. The methods are almost pre-programmed like a nature show mating ritual. Whether it may be taking more pride in your appearance, making yourself more visible, more audible, fragrances, etc. Petting or touching is a precarious area especially in the workplace, that is a topic for much more legal and social consideration. So touching should probably be saved for after the person has agreed to

Ideally a man or woman should be able to respectfully express their interest directly but for women that could be an opportunity for a double standard upholding person to criticize. As we can not allow the limitations placed on us by the peanut gallery to limit us from living. Their opinion should be recognized, but carry no weight. Unfortunately the person you are pursuing’s opinion does matter. They may also uphold traditional social constructs. While I prefer to rely on the wisdom of tradition we in a new time where women have almost equal representation under the law and a little more than previous centuries in the social order. To be blunt, your expression of interest my invoke immediate sexual arousal. That potentially puts in jeopardy a thorough and organic development of a friendship/relationship… You never want to lead with sex-if your goal is a long term sustainable relationship.

I will give one example that shook me a few years back when a female friend called me to talk about her recent breakup. Without much detail, they dated shortly and then the guy told her it wasn’t going to work out, but he stated they can continue to have sex. She was not only rightfully offended, but also hurt as this had been her experience on more than one occasion. Her goal was a long term and sustainable relationship. The elements that worked against her included that she met him on an app, she didn’t take the time to fully evaluate whether they had shared interests, didn’t meet his family, his friends and was in a hurry to get married for social clout. As she was in a hurry this gave him the opportunity without much effort to exploit her for sex. He ultimately failed as she wouldn’t entertain his proposal. She did nothing wrong, but should have taken more time to investigate a person’s compatibility and sustainability. In a previous post, I not very scientifically said sex only takes up 0.001% of our lives so we cannot build long term and sustainable relationships on that.

Getting back to getting noticed, this relates as your intentions, your goals, your interpretation of your courting can be misunderstood. We live in an open, hyper sexualized environment, and I don’t need to go into the statistics of pornography consumption which people do in private. Approaching someone for coffee or lunch or a walk in the park can be misunderstood. A perfect example is the story of Aziz Ansari. A young lady expressed an interest in him, and he immediately expected sex. As a result there was grave miscommunication which resulted in her feeling assaulted and him effectively going into hiding for two approximately two years. She exercised her equal ability to express interest but the interest was transformed in Aziz’s mind into a sexual invitation.

What is the solution to this misunderstanding and miscommunication? How can you prevent the person you are interested in from getting away or picked up by another? The solution is to move as slowly as possible. Study them as much as possible. Do not lead with sexuality(if you want long term sustainability).

I really really hate double standards but, they exist and they have a great effect on us even if we do not practice them. If you miss the opportunity with this great person, you might regret it, but what If this person is actually a monster that you didn’t properly and slowly analyze. To find out that they are a monster after you have given up your resources to them is worse that letting them pass and avoiding one more hurt.

Say no more

Say no more, or say more nos. Here again we have the crazy English language. No more is better replaced by anymore in my poor grammatical opinion. What I am getting at is saying no more times than you have in the past. No, is a very powerful word. It signifies, resistance, strength, defiance, displeasure, decisiveness and a bunch of other strong words. While yes conveys compliance, sometimes even weakness. Silence might be actually worse than yes in some cases, at least with yes you are speaking up.

Everyone wants something from us in life. Attention mostly, then resources secondarily, but they are almost the same thing. We feel obligated, trapped, damned even.

It’s socially hard to say no, because people really don’t like it, but what about what you like? Are they considering your interest. Let the nos fly high and numerous, give the nos out like candy on haloween. Don’t save your nos for yourself. When you do something reluctantly but say yes or be silent you are saying no to yourself. You will more likely regret for a long time that you went along unwillingly. Especially if something unfortunate takes place. Trust your gut, trust your wisdom, trust all the psycho movies on TV. Tell them no. Nos are free. You don’t owe an explanation. Who is going to save you? The person reading this, that’s who.

Invasion of your space, time and resources must not be tolerated. Absolutely not tolerated. Now lets practice exghaling -nooooooo. Breathe in hmmmmm, breathe out nooooooooo. Very easy. Practice it. No. No. No. No. No. Naa. Neh. Eh eh. Nine. Naw. Eh uh. Whatever style you prefer. Noooooooooo.

Relationship goals

The internet is a funny place. Being a generation X-er gives the privilege of seeing the development of computer technology. Televisions when from black and white to thousands of colors. A floppy disk held something like 1.4Mb. I have a flash drive that is smaller than a nickel and holds 32Gb which is tens of thousands of floppy disks. The strange part about all the tech advancement is that we have not gotten more free time. Relative to the baby boomer generation wages don’t go as far as they did in prior years. So many people work multiple jobs or are pert of the gig economy in addition to their 9-5. Notifications are always pinging on your phone. You have tens of accounts to keep up with. Colleges cost more, taxes are higher, traffic fines are more numerous, there are tolls everywhere, your being spied on constantly, your cognitive abilities are diminished, nature is being destroyed, the list goes on and on. So technology is great(yeah right) but it brought with it additional work, additional bills, and additional anxiety. Nuclear energy is great at producing cheap electricity, but then there is the disposal of the waste, the nuclear weapon issue, accidents, etc. Even Einstein regretted his contribution to nuclear research.

Now to the main topic of discussion, relationships. We have these memes online that say “relationship goals” which take a millisecond snapshot of a couple displaying affection or laughing as if they are in a Caribbean resort commercial. These memes are misleading because most of us smile in pictures, even at funerals(if you take pictures at funerals). The other bazillion seconds of life are a variety of emotions and experiences. Most people don’t take pictures when they are crying, on the toilet, at a job interview, in divorce court, in a car accident, studying for an exam, arguing, getting augmentation surgery, whatever… Life is at times enjoyable, at times difficult and a lot of the time just repetitive drab. Relationships are the same.

So if we look at a “relationship goals” meme and believe that is the all encompassing experience we will go through, that is a set-up for disappointment. In the dating process the goal is to make the best attempt to find the most sustainable partnership where both parties are able to compliment each other lets say 75%+ of the time. The other 25% of the time people should probably have some time to themselves to avoid the 25% of the time they are not complimenting their significant other.

A relationship just like technology has to be something that improves your life. Not just a new gadget that gives you retail therapy then later either puts you in debt or throw it in the trash because its now obsolete. For example you might need a car but instead you buy one of those one-wheel hover things. The one-wheeled hover thing is new and cool but you cant put your groceries or luggage in it and you cant take it on the highway to work. Its not a sustainable vehicle. The goal should have been, not to obtain what you say in the cool video or poster of the one-wheeled thing. The goal should have been to get a vehicle that has utility. Yes, you have to pay insurance, fuel and repairs but you also have the capacity to get farther and faster with more, ultimately increasing your free time.

There will be ups and downs yes, but may the best, most informed decision based upon necessity and sustainability. Do not compromise long term sustainability for a one millisecond snapshot of happiness.

Bad company

We are social beings right? Even before Myspace-if you are too young to know what Myspace is ask your parents.

The creatures we call animals, operate according to their own social order likewise. Unfortunately we designed cellphones to fit opposable thumbs so the animals are not yet able to sign up for Instagram. Ultimately socializing is as old as life on the planet and we mostly choose to get together with like-minded individuals. These can be human or otherwise-a lot of people have proven that your dog might be a better friend that a large segment of the human population.

Choosing to only make acquaintance with like minded people makes you feel great. You agree, you relate and probably have a heap of fun together. Though fun, this association can be destructive, especially if you are already destructive. Also, if your acquaintance is not necessarily like-minded but practices enabling your destructive habits. Figuratively it is like a friend that sees you are on fire and throws gasoline on you.

They may have an interest or dependency on the fact that you are screwed up, or they may be oblivious, or maybe they are not your friend at all but you think that they are.

The human need to be in a group is beneficial in may ways. We can develop things, share information, heal, entertain, defend, teach, the list continues. So it’s important not only to keep the council of people that only say yes but we also need the council of people that tell us NO! I touched upon this in a prior posting but it is a thought that needs to be repeated.

Instagram and Facebook have option where you can continue to be a friend to someone but mute their postings. I have done this with people who constantly post disrespectful, tasteless, raunchy, detracting, violent and just dumb content. If they mix it(crap) up with mostly something edifying, uplifting, encouraging, entrepreneurial, enlightening then I don’t mind.

Stay away from destructive persons and those that enable destruction. They may be in misery and want you to join them. They may enjoy gossip so thoroughly that they would revel in you having drama or it would make them feel better about themselves to see you brought low. Analyze whether they have verifiable experience or knowledge of what they are encouraging you to do.

Friends, family, television, movies, social media, billboards, music, artists, horoscopes, palm-readers, fortune tellers, celebrities, government all want something from us. They all do things to get us to behave a certain way, give our time, give our money, give our lives, give our souls to their specific relative agenda. Therefore we have to be careful and reject the poison and take the medicine.

Obsession

Aaaaahhhh. O.M.G….

It’s hard to control your own mind a lot of the time. Or you can say feelings. Or you can say gut or heart. Everything is in the mind ultimately so I will just say mind.

How do you know when you are behaving in an obsessed manner? You might feel so strongly that you never take the time to notice. I would say the following are indicators:

Compromising your morals or beliefs
Begging
Insomnia
Neglecting important responsibilities
Not listening or respecting the other person’s requests to be left alone
Spying and/or stalking
Excessive communication(calls, text, social media)
Thoughts of violence and/or self harm
Destruction of property, vandalism and/or violence

I would guess most of us have(I have) exhibited the first four of the above. I also have been somewhat of a stalker and self-harmer. Looking back I have to say I could have used my free time more effectively.

If someone will not be with you, that should be respected. I can relate with any of the above honestly. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. If you were being pursued by a person you didn’t have an interest in, you would be very uncomfortable. It is a daily battler to deal with addiction, similarly overcoming obsession with a person is a daily battle but it gets easier as time progresses.

What ultimately saved me from evolving to a violent, 1000 text per minute, window-jump-througher was my empathy and my ego. I put myself in that person’s shoes and realized if I cared for them I would make them happy by leaving them alone. I also said to myself, how embarrassing is it, reducing myself to a worshipper of another person. While those two affirmations enabled me to end contact, stalking and self-harm there was still the habit of the cycling thoughts. Each of us has to find a way to control those cycling thoughts and I will admit as of today I am not fully “cured” but I am 75% better than I was then. I got rid of anything associated with that person. I keep myself occupied with creative activities, edifying films and articles, work, crafts, conversations with family and friends.

Don’t waste your time, energy and wonderfulness trying to pursue someone who you are ultimately making uncomfortable. Direct that energy towards yourself and developing yourself into a person you will be proud of when you look back years later.

Satisfaction not guaranteed

Only recently I have been purchasing strawberries that are USDA organic non-gmo. They are always tasty compared to the strawberries I ate when I was a child and GMO and Organic were not in my vocabulary. The strawberries I remembered as a youth had not sweetness and I wondered why everyone raved about strawberries. I had a similar experience with watermelons. Nowadays the farmers seem to have found their mojo. They are consistently producing sweet fruits. They have it down to a science. Still once in a while I will purchase a box of strawberries usually the non-organic ones, and they will have no taste just as the ones of my childhood.

I am not a health nut, nor a organic, non-GMO cult member but I would prefer not to eat the pesticides if you may be so kind.

Looking at a strawberry for me conveyed no great enthusiasm due to my varied past regarding their taste. Satisfaction was not directly related to a strawberry in my brain. Similarly, sex does not equal satisfaction for most women. This makes it strange that there is a prevalence of hook-up culture in popular media. Maybe my social circle is prudish(not) but I think the media blows this population way out of proportion.

I don’t want to digress but I have a big issue with the way media trivialized the free love and women’s liberation movement of the 1970s. It wasn’t just about not wearing a bra, using drugs, and marijuana and concerts and sex. The majority of people were living conventional square lifestyles or at least pretending to do so. Also the youth of the 1907s were seeking to have a purpose, seeking spiritual awakening, greater understanding, intellectual growth, international scope.

I guess the sub-culture population practicing free love and drug use were inspired by the stories they heard of the roaring 1920s. 1920s, 1970s, 2020s and we are preparing the next group in 2070s.

Back to the topic though-again I despise apps. The hookup culture has no sustainable benefit. Why get all sweaty, dehydrated and mess up your hair for something that is not guaranteed. A better investment in my opinion is to consider a person as a whole and take the time to investigate all they have to offer. Sex is important(very) but sex is maybe I’m guessing 0.0001% of our time alive(totally unscientific). The rest of your time is spent sleeping, at work, eating, on your phone, using the bathroom, I guess.

You cant start a relationship with a hookup. Real life is not the movies. Real life is not a snapshot of a subgroup in the 1920s or 1970s. Real life is a mush longer story. So since sexual satisfaction is not guaranteed and sex is only part of 0.0001% of life, you have to connect on the other levels.

Life time

Life time. Is there any other time?

I’m not trying to be poetic. It just came to me that the only time that matters is when you are alive. Yes, we care about leaving a better world for the future generations, but that requires you to use your current time to prepare the future for yourself and others.

There is a point where you start totally devoting your time to other’s interest and when you reach that point, you have to analyze what is that cost to your “Life time?”

Time is usually associated with money, but that’s too basic. Time should be properly put in the category of currency. Money is currency, but currency isn’t only money. You use your time, spend your time, invest your time, waste your time, give your time and so on. All are words usually associated with currency or something of value.

At times we feel obligated to donate our time to someone. If you are rich with time, meaning you have eternal youth and are immortal, then you can donate an unlimited amount of time. In real life, we only have about 70 something years, the beginning of which we are just learning how to use our time well, the middle pert we are supposed to be baking the best of our time, and the end part we are running out of time. Add the factor that we could die at anytime and everything becomes more urgent.

Every moment should be a gain. Time is an investment. Investments produce returns, and hopefully profits. This doesn’t mean you should exploit people or be a scrooge. It means every moment should have an intended long term or short term goal that will result in a return, whether physically, mentally, spiritually and anything positive.

You don’t owe anyone your time. They didn’t make a deposit in the time bank from which you took out a loan. You are on a limited time budget. Excuse yourself from a time wasting situation and invest your time into a fruitful one.

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