Getting noticed

I really do not like double standards. I respect and appreciate equality. We are not all plying by the same rules, so  I may be egalitarian while persons I must interact with may not. This is a fact to consider when trying to get noticed by someone you are interested in. As there are different social expectations on how men and women are to behave.

Intuitively we find ways of accomplishing getting noticed using subtle indicators. The methods are almost pre-programmed like a nature show mating ritual. Whether it may be taking more pride in your appearance, making yourself more visible, more audible, fragrances, etc. Petting or touching is a precarious area especially in the workplace, that is a topic for much more legal and social consideration. So touching should probably be saved for after the person has agreed to

Ideally a man or woman should be able to respectfully express their interest directly but for women that could be an opportunity for a double standard upholding person to criticize. As we can not allow the limitations placed on us by the peanut gallery to limit us from living. Their opinion should be recognized, but carry no weight. Unfortunately the person you are pursuing’s opinion does matter. They may also uphold traditional social constructs. While I prefer to rely on the wisdom of tradition we in a new time where women have almost equal representation under the law and a little more than previous centuries in the social order. To be blunt, your expression of interest my invoke immediate sexual arousal. That potentially puts in jeopardy a thorough and organic development of a friendship/relationship… You never want to lead with sex-if your goal is a long term sustainable relationship.

I will give one example that shook me a few years back when a female friend called me to talk about her recent breakup. Without much detail, they dated shortly and then the guy told her it wasn’t going to work out, but he stated they can continue to have sex. She was not only rightfully offended, but also hurt as this had been her experience on more than one occasion. Her goal was a long term and sustainable relationship. The elements that worked against her included that she met him on an app, she didn’t take the time to fully evaluate whether they had shared interests, didn’t meet his family, his friends and was in a hurry to get married for social clout. As she was in a hurry this gave him the opportunity without much effort to exploit her for sex. He ultimately failed as she wouldn’t entertain his proposal. She did nothing wrong, but should have taken more time to investigate a person’s compatibility and sustainability. In a previous post, I not very scientifically said sex only takes up 0.001% of our lives so we cannot build long term and sustainable relationships on that.

Getting back to getting noticed, this relates as your intentions, your goals, your interpretation of your courting can be misunderstood. We live in an open, hyper sexualized environment, and I don’t need to go into the statistics of pornography consumption which people do in private. Approaching someone for coffee or lunch or a walk in the park can be misunderstood. A perfect example is the story of Aziz Ansari. A young lady expressed an interest in him, and he immediately expected sex. As a result there was grave miscommunication which resulted in her feeling assaulted and him effectively going into hiding for two approximately two years. She exercised her equal ability to express interest but the interest was transformed in Aziz’s mind into a sexual invitation.

What is the solution to this misunderstanding and miscommunication? How can you prevent the person you are interested in from getting away or picked up by another? The solution is to move as slowly as possible. Study them as much as possible. Do not lead with sexuality(if you want long term sustainability).

I really really hate double standards but, they exist and they have a great effect on us even if we do not practice them. If you miss the opportunity with this great person, you might regret it, but what If this person is actually a monster that you didn’t properly and slowly analyze. To find out that they are a monster after you have given up your resources to them is worse that letting them pass and avoiding one more hurt.